Monthly Archives: July 2019

Day 7

I’m really doing this. I’ve successfully stuck to my keto plan for 7 days now. I feel good. I feel full – almost TOO full because I’m not used to eating such rich foods. My friends said my skin looks good. I’m dealing with some fatigue and a headache today but it’s not terrible. The INSOMNIA though is making me a little nuts. I cannot fall asleep. I’ve read this is part of the process. Apparently your body gets low on serotonin and melatonin at first. I’ll be taking my trusty pill tonight in the hopes of having a full night’s sleep.

I was back at the gym today. I did a mile way faster than I did last week. I did some leg machines and some squats. Yesterday I had a crazy work day and then rehearsal so I only fit in a few free weight exercises for my arms. Better than nothing though.

I’m happy that I’m still feeling motivated. I’ll have to grab more salad fixings for the week on the way to work tomorrow. Since it’s a bit of a crazy week, I’ll have to figure out quick dinners. Yesterday I did a hard boiled egg and a shake with collagen peptides. I wound up having a late night snack of some salami and almonds.

I need to focus on fitting more veggies in. I’m definitely note eating enough. My salad is mainly lettuce and onions. I’m not a big raw veggie fan. Roasted cauliflower sand broccoli are a favorite but time is a factor this week. I have a show on Friday and we’re all putting in extra work to accommodate some last minute changes. It’s fine but I need a plan for eating on the go.

Day 3.

I made it to the gym after work yesterday and today I did a 30 minute barre exercise from home. My legs are burning. It feels good! 3 days in a row. That’s something. I’m wary of pink clouding around this situation, but I really, really want to succeed. I don’t know if it’s a midlife crisis or what, but my vanity is in a panic.

I also decided to give the keto diet a try. I know, I know. It’s seeming like the current fad diet and I’ve tried them ALL. But I’m desperate. I need to figure my shit out. My favorite nutrition author, Diane Sanfilippo, just came out with a book called Keto Quick Start. I like the way she breaks things down so I’m gonna go with her for a bit. I’m on Day 3 and I Have no complaints so far. I feel totally satiated and I have no symptoms of the dreaded “keto flu” yet. I’m wondering if this is because I did the 21 Day Sugar Detox last month.

Show up.

Guys, I went to the gym yesterday. And I packed some clean gym clothes for this evening as well. I just did the treadmill and some beginner arm exercises but I’m proud of myself. Today, I plan to do the treadmill and some leg stuff. Nothing crazy. I need to build up some confidence first. As someone who hasn’t seen the inside of a gym in 6 months (and like a year prior to that brief stint), I’m taking it slow.

I think I get inspired and want to do all of the things and then I wind up totally derailing myself. I’m trying it differently this time. A big lesson I’ve learned in my life is that showing up is a BIG part of making progress.

As someone with anxiety and a trailer-full of other baggage, I can easily talk myself out of doing things. I’m too tired. I’m too out of shape anyway. I know I’m gonna quit by next week. Why bother. I never follow through. I’m gonna have a bagel instead. Fucking bagels.

As much as I whine and complain and try to excuse myself from going, I always feel 1,000,000% percent better (real math!) than I did before I walked in there. So, this week, I’m committing to simply showing up. Do a thing. Go home. It’s better than doing nothing at all.

Back on track

While we were away, I used the opportunity to binge on chips, have some ice cream, and drink all of the sweet frozen cocktails. I mean it. All of them. There are none left. I said I’d be back at healthy eating on Monday. Well, it’s Wednesday and it’s as good a day as any to re-start.

We had like no food in the house when we returned so I used that as an excuse to purchase some bagels and I already talked about the bagels. Today, I popped over to Aldi’s and grabbed some salad fixins.

Also – GET THIS…. I packed my gym bag. WHAT? Yes, my gym bag. WHAT? I’m planning on going to the gym after work. WHAT? Yeah, and I’m just gonna do a little treadmill and maybe a little rowing. Nothing too crazy. But I need to do something better than nothing.

Baby steps.

OH – also I finished Stay Sexy, Don’t Get Murdered last night. I had pre-ordered it so I got it on the day it came out but I’ve been trying so hard to savor it and keep it going. It was so good. I am a big old fangirl. I’ve NEVER fangirled over ANYTHING. Seriously. NEVER. Until MFM. I’ll talk more about it some time. That might be fun.

More dog grief and reimmersion from vacation

I’m tired. No reason. I had one “spiked seltzer” last night and went to bed at a reasonable time. I slept well, got up at 8 to help W get ready for camp. And then… then… I fell back asleep. Why? I don’t really know. I could’ve made a cup of tea.

I had a dream about the two dogs last night. It was the same as my past Mdog dreams. He visits but is constantly running away. I usually get a few snuggles though so it’s worth it. In this dream, Mdog was barking at the door and we could hear Pup barking. I was looking all over until I realized the barking was coming from inside my husband’s car. I got into the car and found Pup passing out in the hot car. But I saved him. I saved him. I screamed at my husband. I brought Pup inside and then he just kept running away. I mean… this all makes sense. We tried a bunch of stuff and we were going to lose him anyway.

This sounds like a sad dream but I was smiling when I woke up from seeing them. Seeing them playing together like old times. Also, yesterday I began browsing Petfinder and local rescues. So that was likely a catalyst for the dream. I think they were saying, “We’re together. It’s ok.”

That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Don’t come at me with “random neurons firing”. I’ll punch you.

I had a bagel for lunch today and yesterday. Bagels are my gateway food into the spiral of bad eating habits. They seem innocuous to most, but I have to have the with a bag of chips. Then I want to take a nap an hour later. Then I want cookies. Shame spiral. Repeat.

I was intent on going back on my 21DSD plan because it is sustainable for me. I have o stock up on more salad stuff. This is getting boring. Bye.

We had a nice weekend away with our friends. It was a relief to kick back and just lean into the party for a few days. They have a lovely pool overlooking a pond. It was a good way to spend a 100 degree weekend.

Back for less than 24 hours I am feelin antsy.

  • I want to think of something to look forward to tonight that doesn’t involve chain smoking in a lawn chair until 1am… as if one could possibly imagine anything more glamourous.
  • I want to focus at work instead of getting distracted or nodding off.
  • I want to become more in tune with my spiritual practice.
  • I want to reconnect with my body by exercising.
  • I want to reconnect with myself.

I don’t know if I even have much more to say. I’ve got heavy eyelids for some reason.

Pup

Its been a while, huh. I made it through my 21 day sugar detox. I ate some M&Ms this week after I finished. What goes up…

The main reason I’m writing though is because we lost Pup today.

Up until yesterday, he had been doing well. He’d still bark at anything with a face crossing in front of our property. He’d still launch himself at the door whenever the doorbell rang. He was still eating, drinking, pooping, and chasing the cat but maybe with a little less of a spring in his step.

The veterinary oncologist (a profession I was unaware of until a few months ago) told me that this is likely how it would happen. He’d be pretty good until he wasn’t – and that would be a pretty quick and steep drop. As trite as it sounds, I’m just relieved that he didn’t suffer. His decline happened literally overnight.

We’d noticed he was favoring one of his hind legs over the past couple of days but at 15, he’s been a little stiff for a while. Last night at 2am, he was restless. He was whining and it seemed like he couldn’t get comfortable. This morning, he was dragging his hind legs. He’d get them up for a moment, but was wobbly and uncoordinated. He couldn’t make it more than a few feet without laying down. I called the vet who agreed that it was probably time.

On the way to the vet, I tried to soak in every detail of him. The tiny, delicate wisps on his snout, the occasional white hair peppered on his head, his bendy paws, the thick scruff around his neck, his cloudy, soul swallowing eyes, his tumor area – roiling with heat and density. I went through every tissue and napkin in my husband’s glove box.

I like our vet’s office. We were greeted with solemnity and felt supported by the staff. We had brought his pillow for him to lay on. When it was time for the first injection, I crouched down right by his little face. He can’t see well, so I wanted to make sure he could smell me, hear me, feel my presence. I stroked his head. I thanked him and told him I love him. I repeated this through the second injection and could clearly see when he left. I cannot explain it. I nodded and then the doctor checked and nodded. It was a powerful moment that I will never forget. As painful as it was, I felt honored to give comfort and bear witness. He was so important to me. He will always be a part of my story. I’ll go into it sometime, but he saved me as much as I saved him.

In the mean time, I am exhausted at a soul level. I barely have energy to type this. But I wanted to document this.

A thing that happened last night.

What am I doing with this blog? I don’t know. I’m talking about my health journey and I’m boring the hell out of myself. Who wants status updates on that? Or do I just share every random insane thought that comes into my head? Certainly no one wants to read that. But am I writing for me or for an imaginary judgmental reader? For me. And you if you want. So here’s what I witnessed last night.

I believe I watched a dead girl being loaded into an ambulance. It still feels completely surreal. I was getting ready to go to bed. I had my earphones in but kept hearing a banging noise. It gave me pause because this was 1am and everyone here was asleep. Was it a car? Maybe W got up to pee? Then I saw red and blue lights aggressively flashing through my window. My whole kitchen was lit up.

I grabbed a step stool so I could see over my fence. Two ambulances, a police car, and a fire truck. I saw EMT’s and the police come in and out. I heard an EMT say “she’s already cold”. I felt like I was being put in a trance from the constant blinking and trying to se through the darkness. When they wheeled her out, she was belted on to the stretcher, with the head end raised up a bit. Her head was flung back and her mouth open. When they loaded her in, she kind of wiggled. I truly don’t mean to sound disrespectful but it’s accurate. Picture how a bowl of jello would jiggle when you place it in the fridge. Like that. Due to the impact and nothing else.

The workers were moving quietly and slowly. First the fire truck, then the ambulances, then the police pulled away. And no one seemed to be in a particular rush. I may be wrong and I hope I’m wrong. Maybe she was simply unconscious. I kept waiting for someone else to come out of the building to accompany her; I hoped that a concerned friend would pull up. But she went alone and that made me so sad.

I noticed her window a week or so ago. She had a little plastic yellow moon and star lamp in the window and I liked it. Kind of silly but cute.

I couldn’t sleep last night after that. I just couldn’t get comfortable and I couldn’t relax. Even after a Xanax. I tossed and turned. I also kept getting up to look at her window. The light was on all night. It’s not on now so someone must have turned it off.

I don’t have any enlightenment to share from this. I just want to document that it happened. I’m exhausted today partially from the lack of sleep and partially because I keep seeing her over and over again, getting loaded into the ambulance. I’m guessing this is a traumatic thing – even though I don’t know her at all. I just feel really heavy and tired.