What am I doing with this blog? I don’t know. I’m talking about my health journey and I’m boring the hell out of myself. Who wants status updates on that? Or do I just share every random insane thought that comes into my head? Certainly no one wants to read that. But am I writing for me or for an imaginary judgmental reader? For me. And you if you want. So here’s what I witnessed last night.

I believe I watched a dead girl being loaded into an ambulance. It still feels completely surreal. I was getting ready to go to bed. I had my earphones in but kept hearing a banging noise. It gave me pause because this was 1am and everyone here was asleep. Was it a car? Maybe W got up to pee? Then I saw red and blue lights aggressively flashing through my window. My whole kitchen was lit up.

I grabbed a step stool so I could see over my fence. Two ambulances, a police car, and a fire truck. I saw EMT’s and the police come in and out. I heard an EMT say “she’s already cold”. I felt like I was being put in a trance from the constant blinking and trying to se through the darkness. When they wheeled her out, she was belted on to the stretcher, with the head end raised up a bit. Her head was flung back and her mouth open. When they loaded her in, she kind of wiggled. I truly don’t mean to sound disrespectful but it’s accurate. Picture how a bowl of jello would jiggle when you place it in the fridge. Like that. Due to the impact and nothing else.

The workers were moving quietly and slowly. First the fire truck, then the ambulances, then the police pulled away. And no one seemed to be in a particular rush. I may be wrong and I hope I’m wrong. Maybe she was simply unconscious. I kept waiting for someone else to come out of the building to accompany her; I hoped that a concerned friend would pull up. But she went alone and that made me so sad.

I noticed her window a week or so ago. She had a little plastic yellow moon and star lamp in the window and I liked it. Kind of silly but cute.

I couldn’t sleep last night after that. I just couldn’t get comfortable and I couldn’t relax. Even after a Xanax. I tossed and turned. I also kept getting up to look at her window. The light was on all night. It’s not on now so someone must have turned it off.

I don’t have any enlightenment to share from this. I just want to document that it happened. I’m exhausted today partially from the lack of sleep and partially because I keep seeing her over and over again, getting loaded into the ambulance. I’m guessing this is a traumatic thing – even though I don’t know her at all. I just feel really heavy and tired.