My sleep has improved but now I’m a walking histamine. I discovered the cat had been napping in my closet, specifically in my pajama drawer. So I had to re-wash everything. I’m sure I dragged all that cat hair into the bed too. Ugh. We leave for vacation in 2 days so I’m just focusing on that.

I went back to therapy on Tuesday. It had been a couple of years but it was nice to be back. I really like my therapist. She remembered and reminded me that a lot of what I’m dealing with right now is the same as when I was there 2 years ago. She also reminded me that the previous cycle of frustration was about 2 years before that.

I have a big problem taking risks and walking toward the unknown. Fear has been driving the ship my whole life. Bravery pops up every now and then… but man, has it gotten lazy.

My therapist suggests that the frustration and resentment in my marriage is the main cause of my malaise. I agree to a point that it is a factor but I think there are several arms. She says my head and my heart are completely disconnected and we need to find a way to get them to work together.

At a high level, I know exactly what the problems are and I can tell you really self-aware and self-assured solutions. But my feelings are basically a knot that hasn’t been untied in 40 years and they kind of get involved and tangle everything up. We need to work on the flow. The flow. I picked flow as my “word of the year” a couple of years ago. It’s an important word to me. Who knew I didn’t have any?!

It’s funny because I always thought of myself as someone who was pretty emotionally sophisticated. But in actuality, my relationship with feelings is way more cerebral. I can break it down and label it and file away and it’s great. But my OWN feelings are so screwed up from shoving them all into an unlabeled box that I can’t even tell you, honestly, how I am feeling at any given moment. This was a HUGE eye opener for me.

So my “homework” is work on some art art focusing on fear, bravery, and potential.

Another Day of the Living Dead

I slept until 11am today which is SUPER early for me. What an early riser I am! This 41 year old woman. This mother. This employed person.

This isn’t good. I instructed my son to please get dressed today because his father will let him sit around in his underwear all day. I mean, he’s a kid so it doesn’t really matter. But I know how much more “normal” I feel when I force myself to get dressed. Considering his genes, I need to impart some of this wisdom to him however I can. So I said, “please get dressed. Sitting around in your underpants all day is not healthy.” My seven year old’s retort? “Sleeping all day isn’t healthy, mom.”

It felt like a smack. I said, “you’re right. Mommy’s not feeling very good lately.” And because he’s a needler, he felt the need to clarify, “mommy, I’m talking about you.” I love his personality. Oh, I know, kid. And I’m sorry your mom is such a dud.

My best way of connecting with him is by doing art projects together. I am always trying to think of something that won’e more the hell out of him. We’re now painting rocks and leaving them around the park. Then we go out to see if anyone took any. I asked him if he’d like to paint rocks with me tonight and he reluctantly said yes. Is he doing it to make me happy? Shit. How did this happen?

I know I’m depressed when my face feels like a mask. It doesn’t move. It just stays looking sullen. It doesn’t feel connected to my skull. It feels far away. I try to contort it into a friendly thing when I’m at work or if I have to interact with someone at a store. I’m an expert at this shit. I’ve been doing it for over 25 years.

I’m going back to my former therapist. She was wonderful. I just stopped because I was feeling better. I have a hard time being vulnerable in front of them. But I’m so done with this shit. I need to move past this.

Why do I always want to knock myself out?

If I’m trying not to drink, I need to take medication to “knock myself out”. Basically, the idea of sitting alone with my own thoughts for too long is terrifying to me. Or undesirable at the very least. Why? Why do I need to self medicate so much to get out of my own mind?

Taking all current life complaints aside, what is it that has been driving me to drink for so long? Socially, it’s to give me a personality. I have major anxiety. Also, sometimes I simply don’t want to be there. So I force myself to go and drink to make it bearable. At the bottom of that is FOMO. And at the bottom of FOMO is insecurity.

But why do I drink so much at home? It used to be what we did. I lived with roommates and was young and we drank together. And stayed up talking and howling at the moon. The drinking alone started when my husband and I got together. It could be because I was simply used to doing that at night and because I was older, friends weren’t around as much as they used to be so I just kept on doing what I knew. That is very plausible for how it started. But then I think it was my way of dissociating from every problem that crossed my bones. I’m not blaming him, that’s just the timeline. It has to do with kicking and screaming against time and with being lonely.

I’ve been taking melatonin or some other OTC sleeping thing to shut down my brain but to be honest, they aren’t working. I have my meditation app that helps by playing me weird new age music or waves crashing. I sleep poorly – with intense dreams that leave me confused in the morning.

I’m OFTEN at an airport in my dreams. Last night, I was at a layover when someone took my bag and then we would up on a different flight that was routing us through Haiti. (Yes, my dreams are oddly detailed.) It wasn’t a flight though, it was like a roller coaster. And the women were being lined up to gauge whether what we were wearing was appropriate. I remember at one point swallowing and accepting the idea that we were going to die. Cheery stuff.

I guess my point with that is that my brain seems to ALWAYS be running. Living with it and sitting with it gets really exhausting. So I try to turn it off.

Sometimes I wonder if I just let it go would I create incredible things? Or would it just cripple me…

Shouting Into The Void

As explained below, I put in an application and was approved and completely smitten with a beautiful little chihuahua. I cannot stop thinking about her. Looked at her picture every day.

Talked again with my husband yesterday and he refused. And of course, with him, he can’t just refuse, he has to continue to throw insults my way.

I’m terrible at taking care of things. I’m irresponsible. I’m trying to ‘replace my son’. I don’t pay attention. I don’t pick up after them, feed, them, groom them or see after their medical care. He “KNOWS MORE THAN ME.”

None of this is remotely true. Did I let them poop in the yard sometimes when it was super cold or rainy? Sure, I’ll own that. That’s it.

I actually started laughing at the last one because he was dead serious. This is the shit. That’s what I say when I start having thoughts of getting the FO. This is the shit. This is the shit that makes me lose all respect for you. This is the shit that makes me realize you are irrational and mean. This is the shit that I will not stand for.

I’m the kind of sad that hurts. I’m sick. I am having so much trouble interacting here at work and smiling. I’ve got years of experiencing though so I’ll make it work. I’m sad about the dog. I’m not sad about that fool or anything he said. I’m sad that I’m back in this place. I’m sad that this man feels he can reign superior over me even after all of these years. I explained to him that this cannot be a case of “let” and he said it is. He added “if you bring that dog home, it will disappear.” So I get threats too. Healthy, right?

He keeps saying we can get a dog when we move. Now, this sounds perfectly reasonable and acceptable, I know. I would agree if we haven’t been looking at houses for 5 FUCKING YEARS and as soon as I find one I like, he finds something wrong with it or drags his feet on seeing it. I began to suspect that looking at houses was simply something he enjoyed doing and he more or less agreed. This is what he does. He walks up to the decision line and stalls. I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much to “compromise” with him.

Moving. Being able to be a full time musician. Having another kid. This is big fucking stuff. Not to mention being the butt of jokes and teasing regularly, rarely hearing a compliment, and never having a date anywhere because that stuff is just not in his personality. And I should just accept it and stop bringing it up.

I’ve been drowning my sorrows in art supplies and storing older ones that I don’t use as much in the basement for when I open my business. It will be good to have supplies on hand for folks who do not have their own. Art supplies are a fully acceptable addiction in my mind. I’ve been retreating to the art table a lot lately. This time of year always draws me to it.

I’m going to go back to my therapist I think. I’m going to get my fucking life together. I envision my own home whether we stay together or now. I know it sounds insane but I feel like our marriage might work better if we lived in different homes.

There’s a good chance I’ll delete this. I just need to work through some feelings for a minute.

I was approved for adoption of this beautiful little dog who sounds like a perfect fit for my family. My husband turned around and outright refuses to get on board. He essentially said that I’m “not allowed”. He is bossy and controlling and I’m generally able to just roll my eyes and do what I need to do. But then he makes threats. He said he would return the dog to make sure I wasn’t able to adopt from them again.

He also said I’m getting a dog to “replace (my) son again.” And that I barely pay attention to our son. All of this is completely insane and just really mean and hurtful shit. I can’t even look at him.

When he gets like this I immediately go straight to thinking about divorce. It’s happened before when he has gotten outlandish like this. I moved out for 3 months several years ago. I had an attorney on standby 2 years ago. And now this. Yes, I do see the pattern. I’m fully aware that this relationship has really bipolar cycles.

In addition to this, I pay our mortgage, phones, utilities, and insurances. He does grocery shopping and while it’s a lot, it doesn’t come close. I work a full time and a part time job (music). He works when he gets work. Generally part time. Sometimes, no time. I’ve seen him try a few careers and quit them. I’ve been steadily employed promoted throughout our relationship.

Now… he does stay home with our son a lot. He picks him up from camp or school, brings him to his after school stuff. And that is a big thing. Despite being home most of the time, he rarely cleans the house and then kind of sideeyes me about it. Like it’s my responsibility.

I work on nights sometimes and I typically have one night out with friends a week. He does not enjoy socializing. I’ve tried to encourage him to socialize and he does not do it. He does however throw back in my face that I’m out too much. Drinking too much. The drinking part is not off base. I need to reel that in. But I’m still going to socialize.

He knows what hurts me. Criticizing me as a mother mainly. Criticizing my really base values. Making sure I know not to get too confident or proud. Meanwhile, I literally subsidize his life and he is trying to exert control over me. I get it. It is a way for him to feel more powerful maybe. But I am caught smack in the middle of enraged and deeply wounded.

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions…

I’m really indulging in a lazy day. We had day 1 of our show last night so I went out to support. And drink wine. I got back late. Didn’t sleep again but I was able to get some rest this morning. I’ve got some work to do but it’s stuff I can do this afternoon/ evening. Nothing super critical.

The bar did not have had seltzers so I had wine. I wish I had something else because SURPRISE I feel like shit. Whatever. Moving on.

Photo by Miguel u00c1. Padriu00f1u00e1n on

Part of me is disappointed that I have not really accomplished much today and part of me is hi-fiving myself for some self care. I’ll do a barre video later. I’d like to spend some time making art. Making plans.

There is a pretty good chance that the company I work for will be closing its doors in the next 2-4 years. I need to make a decision on how to proceed. Do I continue in my current field which is steady and pays well or do I use this time to make some plans on how to live a more creative life?

My ideas include a book (I’m currently working on this), owning/ operating a creative space for workshops, and music. I am currently a professional singer. I am lucky in that I only take the gigs that I want because I already have a full time job. I know could pick up more gigs for extra cash but the main hurdle working artists have to figure out is fucking healthcare and I am not going to go into a political tirade right now. (Stick around though, it’s inevitable if you spend any good amount of time with me.)

My truest passion is art though. It’s where I feel the most magical. Music is a close second and it’s easier to make a few steady bucks doing it than visual art. I’m also better at singing than art. I haven’t shared either here because I’m enjoying the relative anonymity.

I’ve got some books about starting a business and I’m really good at bookkeeping. I also have a few friends who I think would be great fits for running workshops. Lots to think about.