Why do I always want to knock myself out?

If I’m trying not to drink, I need to take medication to “knock myself out”. Basically, the idea of sitting alone with my own thoughts for too long is terrifying to me. Or undesirable at the very least. Why? Why do I need to self medicate so much to get out of my own mind?

Taking all current life complaints aside, what is it that has been driving me to drink for so long? Socially, it’s to give me a personality. I have major anxiety. Also, sometimes I simply don’t want to be there. So I force myself to go and drink to make it bearable. At the bottom of that is FOMO. And at the bottom of FOMO is insecurity.

But why do I drink so much at home? It used to be what we did. I lived with roommates and was young and we drank together. And stayed up talking and howling at the moon. The drinking alone started when my husband and I got together. It could be because I was simply used to doing that at night and because I was older, friends weren’t around as much as they used to be so I just kept on doing what I knew. That is very plausible for how it started. But then I think it was my way of dissociating from every problem that crossed my bones. I’m not blaming him, that’s just the timeline. It has to do with kicking and screaming against time and with being lonely.

I’ve been taking melatonin or some other OTC sleeping thing to shut down my brain but to be honest, they aren’t working. I have my meditation app that helps by playing me weird new age music or waves crashing. I sleep poorly – with intense dreams that leave me confused in the morning.

I’m OFTEN at an airport in my dreams. Last night, I was at a layover when someone took my bag and then we would up on a different flight that was routing us through Haiti. (Yes, my dreams are oddly detailed.) It wasn’t a flight though, it was like a roller coaster. And the women were being lined up to gauge whether what we were wearing was appropriate. I remember at one point swallowing and accepting the idea that we were going to die. Cheery stuff.

I guess my point with that is that my brain seems to ALWAYS be running. Living with it and sitting with it gets really exhausting. So I try to turn it off.

Sometimes I wonder if I just let it go would I create incredible things? Or would it just cripple me…

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