I guess I had my last hurrah last night. It was a good night with lots of friendly faces. I had a lot of drinks. I wasn’t counting. I don’t think I was acting like an asshole… but that’s the thing about drinking. You’re never 100% sure what a weirdo you’re being.
I digress. I shared with a few more people that they might not see me drinking next year. Do you see the “might” in there? That’s fear that I’ll fail. That’s the bargaining I started to do in my head as I told people. I even said “I’m not drinking in January but we’ll see what happens.”
I mean, I guess it’s ok to go in baby steps. But I’ve been feeling really good about my decision to quit and it’s kind of crazy that self-sabotage is already creeping in. Self sabotage has been a gremlin in my brain for most of my life. Panic mode. “You’re not strong enough for this” despite having proven time after time that I’m strong as hell.
In the spirit of “New Year’s Eve” lists, here are some things I will NOT miss about drinking:
- Wine headaches
- Sleeping through half the day due to physical recovery
- Wondering what embarrassing thing I said or did last night
- Constant heartburn
- Making terrible decisions about driving… like…
- Vomiting in the car while driving
- Falling down/ unexplained bruises
- Awful, spotty sleep
- Grinding my teeth to the point of pain
- Perpetual brain fog
- Hours/ days/ weeks/ years of wasted time
- Being unable to trust my own thoughts because they’re soaked in alcohol
- Accepting problematic behavior from others because I feel guilty and ashamed that I am such a waste of a person
I am looking forward to getting to know myself. I haven’t known myself since my early 20s. The intensely quiet, sensitive, dreamer. The best part of myself. The INFP. The tea drinker and blanket dweller who is happiest with dog and book – either writing or reading.
I’m looking forward to exploring this. I’m a documenter so I’m sure this will result in lots of artwork and/ or songs. Maybe I’ll teach myself how to record some shit. There is equipment here. I know how to do (very) basic stuff. Or maybe I’ll finally get my business idea off the ground.
I also feel like this will make or break my marriage. Either the relationship improves because I stop sitting outside and chainsmoking and gulleting a bottle of wine every night… OR, I become more connected with my thoughts and feelings and gain some clout with clearer mind and heart.
In all aspects, I’m looking forward to some clarity.
Side note. I just had a bite of a chocolate covered gingerbread cookie and I wish I could show you what my face looks like. What a terrible combination – gingerbread and chocolate. I’ll finish it though because that’s how I roll.
I had a weird dream last night and I’m still reeling.
I somehow had a baby girl. I think she was mine. I don’t think I found her. But I wasn’t planning on keeping her. I was just carrying g her around.
Then, my husband was shooting arrows and a small one got her in the back. She was ok but I made me decide I wanted to keep her. I found diapers and formula to use and was so bursting with love for her. I took her in the car to bring her to the doctor to get the arrow out.
We got into an accident on the way there. The next thing I know I am at a restaurant with my dad, my cousin K, and another older man who I can’t place. We told the person who hit us to meet us there so we could get their insurance. We are buying wine while a group of dudes tries to sell us stock in cigarettes. Yes a weird dream.
Then I’m still trying to get the baby to the doctor. I had her strapped to me in a carrier. I was so in love. I feel so empty today. I have a feeling I know why I had this dream. A recent conversation dredged up some old memories. Heavy heart today.
My “goodbye tour” has been less than successful. I contracted a miserable virus last week and had to bow out of several engagements. I’m bummed because I was looking forward to a last hurrah with these folks specifically and I also intended to tell them what was going on. I went out last night and was able to get some solid hang time with some of my people, informing them of my impending sobriety. I even directed a couple of folks over here in case they are so bored that they want to read the ramblings of a middle aged alcoholic with self control issues. Hi friends!
I drank wine last night. That’s been my beverage of choice for the “goodbye tour” and I think it’s because of how shitty it makes me feel the next day. I’m guessing that my subconscious is trying to make sure I am real about this.
I slept like shit. I feel crummy. I prattled at people. I am still on board to not do it anymore next month. Right? Right.
I keep trying to envision what it will look like when I am at gigs or out supporting friends. When I was 28, I spent some time in inpatient and intensive outpatient which is a story for another time. Part of my group therapy was a MISA group – dual diagnosis/ mental illness and substance abuse. I was not allowed to drink during this time. My husband had a gig and I specifically remember ordering some stupid seltzer and cranberry or something and feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my fucking skin. It was so hard being there. I sat outside and chain smoked. I think I brought my sketchbook too. Like… I always need a distraction when I’m out.
I am an introvert. Most people who know me would find this very funny. But I am. My default setting is quiet, observant, and under many blankets. Preferably with a dog. The drinking is how I cope with having to be an extrovert. I suppose I thought that in order to front a band, one needs to be an extrovert. It’s so fucking interesting to unpack this because I am still operating on assumptions I made when I was 22.
Anyway. I’m tired of thinking for now.
I finally sent my health insurance info to the rehab. They’ve been calling every day. I mean… it makes sense. You want to ride that wave when it comes in. I know how easy it is to just step back and be like “I don’t have a problem. I’m overreacting”… and start the cycle over. The cycles get shorter, and the highs and lows get sharper, and that’s when shit becomes unmanageable.
The weird thing is that right now, I’m looking forward to it. I’m looking at the next couple of weeks as my “goodbye tour” to alcohol and I’m honestly seeing rehab and sobriety as the light at the end of the tunnel. Is this temporary? Probably. But it’s been pretty strong for a couple of weeks now. In the past, it would last a couple of days.
I’ve started a new book/ online course called The Desire Map and it’s been inspiring thus far. It’s about getting to your heart and your feelings to plan your life. This is something I’ve been told to work on so I found it fitting.
In other news, I’m fucking tired. I drank wine last night. It’s almost like I’m trying to make myself sick of it.
Yes yes. It’s been a few minutes.
I’m going into treatment in January. My alcohol use is out of my control. I cannot do this by myself. I have told my husband and a couple of close friends. His reaction was “why don’t you just stop.” I’m not even kidding.
Friends have been supportive. I’m not sure if anyone believes I will actually go through with it. But I need to finally follow through with something in my life.
In order to start this thing, I printed out 180 journal pages from 2015 – present so I can see how often I have repeated myself about wanting to quit drinking. I’m very interested in this. So yeah. That is what is happening.