Day 21, 2020

So, a thing happened and I’m not really sure what to do with it, so I’ll write about it here. That’s why I’m doing this, right?

So, last week I had reached out to a woman I had met at AA. She and I had spoken several times, it seems we share some interests, and it felt very easy to interact with her. She raised her hand when the leader asked if anyone was willing to be a temporary sponsor so I decided to drop her a line.

Let me backtrack a moment to say that reaching out to people is NOT one of my strong points. I feel like I’ve mentioned it here. It’s a pretty big part of my personality. I like to help people. I like to think I can do everything by myself. I am independent to a possibly unhealthy degree. There has to be some narcissism behind at least some of it. Anyway, to drive home my point, it took a LOT for me ask if she would talk to me about being a temporary sponsor.

She responded that she was available and suggested we meet up to talk. NOW, (and I’m assuming that this could be the problem), it took a couple of days for me to get back to her. Work was crazy, my son had strep, and I did not make my response a priority.

She asked if I’d be attending the Monday meeting (yesterday) and I told her I would not because I had a scheduled rehearsal. Then she said that she is already working with someone and could give me the names of other women in the program. I felt so REJECTED.

Throughout this process, I’m trying to reconnect and be honest about my feelings and man, I was hurt. Like, I wanted to cry. I got that weird kind of lightheaded feeling and a flash of heat over my heart and the sting in my head. I could not help but wonder what I had done or if she did not like me. She raised her hand to be a temporary sponsor and all of a sudden she was not. It was so hard to ask that question. This felt personal. Also, I am extremely sensitive (also possibly narcissism).

As I’m writing this, it’s clear that she may think I’m just not ready and doesn’t want to waste her time. Or she may NOT like me and that’s none of my business. Maybe life is too crazy for HER. These people aren’t therapists. They are recovering alcoholics like me.

My wounded ego’s response would be that I’ve been steadily attending meetings for 3 weeks and life got a little busy for a week. I was just looking for some guidance.

If I’m also being honest about not making my response to her a priority… I began to feel pressure of commitment. I began to panic about my inevitable failure. I also am not 100% sure if I’m going to remain alcohol free for the rest of my life. Like, this is a thing I’m trying. I didn’t want a person to personally let down. I’m used to letting myself down.

So, long story longer, my desire to return to a meeting this week had decreased. I mean. I am being dramatic. I see that. I’m licking my wounds and we’ll see what happens. 21 days though. 21 days.

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