Day 55, 2020

This past week has been a lot. I am impressed that I have not had a drink. I wanted to and I came close. Without rehashing the story for the 100th time, my cousin became suddenly, critically ill. She is in a coma and was dying. All of this came out of nowhere. As of Thursday, final arrangements were basically being discussed and as of Friday, she has turned a corner. She is fighting her way out of this and making progress that no one thought was possible. She is such a tough person and I wouldn’t be surprised if this was partially driven by spite. Hahahah. I love her so much.

We are very close and the range of emotions and scenarios I (and my family) have bounced through have been expansive. The suddenness of it. The fact that she is 46 and has two boys who were devastated. This also dredged deep into the family. Cousins I don’t see regularly were all in the same room for hours – telling stories, re-connecting. I talked to one cousin who I haven’t seen in 25 years. I spoke to the wife of another cousin that I don’t think I’ve seen since I was a small child.

My cousin (M) is kind of the glue. She is in regular contact with all of the cousins. Our family, like all families I’m sure, has an almost fabled level of tragedy and drama. Addiction runs real strong in our blood (surprise?) and the fallout from it is pretty far-reaching. There’s a sort of “live fast, die young” phenomenon in our direct line, so seeing her on life support shook us to our bones.

Moments ago, I was just told she is getting another dialysis and blood transfusion and is showing signs of coming to. I feel very strongly that she is going to make it out. I think she will be fully back, too.

I am hoping so much that this results in all of us making a fucking effort to get together at least once a year and not at hospitals and funerals. This has been too close for comfort. We all have a lot to work through but I truly felt like we are stronger together.

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