Day 112, 2020

I haven’t felt much like writing about drinking. I don’t really have much to say. It’s moved from the front of my brain to the back. From screaming and kicking to subdued. I’m probably not out of the woods as I considered taking a sip of a liqueur that we were trying to identify. But I remembered – oh you don’t drink anymore. And I put it down and that was it.

W asked me if I’ll ever drink again and I didn’t have an answer. I told him I didn’t know. Right now, I am not ready. In part, I don’t want to. I’ve worked hard to associate my drinking with terrible headaches, bloating, and acting like a fucking idiot. I don’t want any of those things. If that means not drinking, great.

The one thing I do miss… and I’ve talked about it here several times… is our favorite restaurant in Newark. They make sangria that descended straight from heaven. It tastes SO good. They may have a non-alcoholic version. I don’t know. But it’s ritual. At some point, I would consider going there and trying it out. Not now, but maybe at some point. And maybe I’ll get there and think it’s not worth it.

What I am trying to articulate is – my relationship with alcohol doesn’t seem so “urgent” anymore. I don’t have to work every day to quell my desire. Many days, I don’t think too much about it aside from strengthening my identification as someone who doesn’t drink. I wrestle with that part a lot. Probably because of my narcissism. Nobody gives a shit what my personal relationship is. People gather for the good time. And that’s fine.

This quarantine has been somewhat of an Awakening for me. I’ve paying attention to where my soul wants to be and what it wants to do. I’m connecting with energy and getting even more fucking woo-woo than I was before.

I was accepted into an MBA program and have already started on Foundation classes (that I need to pass before enrolling). I’m immersed in Accounting most of the day and then I get some yarn out and watch a crime drama – or chat with friends – or take my Reiki course.

Life as a hermit is pretty fucking good right now. That being said, I am acknowledging the role my continued paycheck, health, and general privilege play in that statement.

Going forward, expect more woo woo musings. That feels like where I’m gonna go.

DAY 101, 2020

I have not been celebrating milestones because we are living in Bizarro World. I am continuing to enjoy a life without alcohol though. This quarantine business would have surely been a very long bender had it been last year. I can’t even imagine.

I’ve been using this time to do some naval gazing and writing and art. I’ve been staying up too late watching questionable television. I have been on Facebook WAY too much. Not saying much, but quietly seething. It’s honestly not much different than before. Also, I’ve been hibernating from 100 days. So this is old hat for me.

What I do appreciate is the quiet time with my family. It has helped us to work on some stuff. It’s making me more patient. We are working our way back to teamwork. It’s hard sometimes. My husband is on the spectrum and communication is challenging. Additionally, he is stubborn and bossy. I’m impatient and easily annoyed. Telling me what to do is the quickest way to unlock my mean streak. Both of us tend to isolate. Sometimes we forget the other person is even there.

It’s been good for us. I am lucky to continue earning full salary. I am so grateful and am certainly not treating this as a vacation. In fact, I’m working even harder than ever – but in velour tracksuits. I have like 5 of them.

I also just completed my application for an MBA program. I’m HOPING to do an accelerated (12 month) thing, but I know how I tend to go super hard and then burn out. This time has taught me to be more thoughtful and accept space.

This is getting boring I think.

Day 94, 2020

90 Days came and went without much fanfare. In quarantine, the days are all kind of melting into one long, boring day. I am incredibly thankful to be able to continue working and earning a salary. I have zero complaints.

I am, however, writing to you from my office which is about 20 minutes from my home. I had to get checks because we still have to pay the bills. and there are maybe 5 other people in this enormous building. I haven’t seen them. I just saw cars. This is the first time I’ve arrived at work in a velour tracksuit, sneakers, and a baseball cap… and ZERO makeup. I’d probably scare someone if they came in anyway. I also discovered some extra hand sanitizer I have at my desk. And my beloved Sprite Zeros. I’m taking those Sprites home and I am downright giddy,

I also got a bagel. I haven’t had a bagel in weeks. Everyone stood 6 feet+ apart. I was happy to be able to give some $$ to my favorite bagel shop. I Can’t even finish it. I forgot how big bagels are. (Like it’s been years lol).

Anyway, I’m experiencing this odd tiredness that everyone seems to be dealing with. It’s nearly impossible to get out of bed then again I’ve been staying up stupidly late. Doing nothing. Knitting, listening to audiobooks, watching Tiger King in its entirety. I really need to try going to sleep earlier. I talk about this all the time. It’s like my body is simply not made for that. I used to think it was the drinking but it turns out, it’s just how I am wired. Outside of that though, I’ve been tired during the day. Like needing a nap.

I read an article that this is associated with grief. I don’t know if that fits for me. Anxiety seems more likely. On high alert 100% of the time making sure I don’t touch anything or breathe. It’s exhausting.

I don’t know. I’m tired and I need to finish up what I’m doing.

Hope you’re staying well.