Day 112, 2020

I haven’t felt much like writing about drinking. I don’t really have much to say. It’s moved from the front of my brain to the back. From screaming and kicking to subdued. I’m probably not out of the woods as I considered taking a sip of a liqueur that we were trying to identify. But I remembered – oh you don’t drink anymore. And I put it down and that was it.

W asked me if I’ll ever drink again and I didn’t have an answer. I told him I didn’t know. Right now, I am not ready. In part, I don’t want to. I’ve worked hard to associate my drinking with terrible headaches, bloating, and acting like a fucking idiot. I don’t want any of those things. If that means not drinking, great.

The one thing I do miss… and I’ve talked about it here several times… is our favorite restaurant in Newark. They make sangria that descended straight from heaven. It tastes SO good. They may have a non-alcoholic version. I don’t know. But it’s ritual. At some point, I would consider going there and trying it out. Not now, but maybe at some point. And maybe I’ll get there and think it’s not worth it.

What I am trying to articulate is – my relationship with alcohol doesn’t seem so “urgent” anymore. I don’t have to work every day to quell my desire. Many days, I don’t think too much about it aside from strengthening my identification as someone who doesn’t drink. I wrestle with that part a lot. Probably because of my narcissism. Nobody gives a shit what my personal relationship is. People gather for the good time. And that’s fine.

This quarantine has been somewhat of an Awakening for me. I’ve paying attention to where my soul wants to be and what it wants to do. I’m connecting with energy and getting even more fucking woo-woo than I was before.

I was accepted into an MBA program and have already started on Foundation classes (that I need to pass before enrolling). I’m immersed in Accounting most of the day and then I get some yarn out and watch a crime drama – or chat with friends – or take my Reiki course.

Life as a hermit is pretty fucking good right now. That being said, I am acknowledging the role my continued paycheck, health, and general privilege play in that statement.

Going forward, expect more woo woo musings. That feels like where I’m gonna go.

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