The Great Awakening is how I’ve been referring to this time we are living through. Energy is churning and shifting and a lot of shadows are being revealed. Things need to change. The light being shone on our unfair and unequal system is causing a scurrying of cockroaches. We see now.

I am looking into my ribcage at all of the uncomfortable shit. The very real latent responses that I still have. Shining the light.

There has been more space to THINK and digest and research and discuss issues that have been bubbling under the surface for our entire lives. There has been more space to act and take a stand. Families are literally forced to be together and I am hoping this has helped solidify what is important. Love and humanism. Compassion. Passion. Rage.

On a more personal note, working on my plants and in my garden, and really fixing up my rooms have given me a new connection with being here. I think I never really took ownership here. I felt like I was living under my husband’s roof despite the fact that it is just as much my home. He can be obstinate and bossy. I can too but I am typically the one who moves to compromise for the good of the household and the day. Claiming my spaces, organizing them, and keeping them in order has done wonders for me. I’m finally taking up space rather than living as a victimized pair of eyes.  I spent so much of my life watching it happen to me and feeling powerless. Always needing permission. ALWAYS. Even when I’m out at a store or walking the dog, I am always cognizant about not being in anyone’s way. While it’s nice to be considerate, I think the preoccupation with it became problematic. This likely stems from my desperate need to be liked and seen as a good person.  I’ve been slowly evolving but I am finally feeling good about taking up space.

Being here with the family has been nice. We’ve gotten into arguments and short fuses but I think as a whole we have tried to be more understanding with one another. This bizarre time has allowed us to be sensitive to the fact that we each may need a break or some slack. We are working more like a team which is all I ever really wanted.

Time is the most important thing. I was always wishing for more days in week to get more done. I like to be busy. Now, time spent out playing gigs, going out with friends, and even in the car has been gifted to me. I admit I’ve spent too much time on the internet – it’s almost like I’m waiting for a quiet moment when I can focus entirely on me or what I am studying. It makes sense. Anyway, this time has given me space to THINK and to react less.

My main issue is that I’m feeling the pull towards a career change. This could be par mid-life crisis, but it has a term for a reason. My firm will likely be absorbed by a bigger one and that will likely affect my job and whether I’ll still have one. I’ve liked working at my firm because everyone works independently and I have a direct line of communication with my boss. Once he retires, I don’t know that I will enjoy it as much. The idea of starting over fresh with new coworkers is not appealing to me. I like what I do and that is mainly because I am in a situation where I can work where I want and when I want as long as I hit my deadlines and keep everything running smoothly. It’s ideal for a creative spirit like me. If that ease of schedule changes, I’ll be miserable.

And also, at this point in my life, I’m ready to embrace who I am fully and use what I have to make a difference in the world. Much like art therapy, I am intrigued by the concept of spiritual psychology. I am so deeply interested in spiritual matters and psychology. This paired with intuitive art, creative workshops, Reiki, writing, and herbalism all fits nicely under the umbrella of Soul Space. This is what I want to do with my time. I want to help people heal holistically.

I’ve been searching out degree programs that fit this goal and though I have found some, the accreditations of the schools seem a bit sketchy.  This gets me thinking about my need for permission. Finishing my college degree was important to me. I needed it to feel value. I’m wondering if my NEED for a degree in what I want to study is based on the same. If I have this, you’ll have to take me seriously. If I don’t you can write me off. Many of the workshops I want to run do not require a degree so I feel that I may be looking for something to show people to prove myself. I would need it to practice actual counseling so I do see the value in it. But counseling isn’t technically what I want to do.

I’m just noticing I did not mention music. Its becoming tiring. All of the legwork for releasing our record. I haven’t even written a song in at least 2 years. I am not feeling inspired by it. I do miss performing though. I did a good job of narrowing down my music engagements to things I actually feel energized by over the past few years. As of this minute, I am not feeling motivated to do a damn thing. That’s ok. The country is in chaos, I have a lot on my mind.