Monthly Archives: July 2020

Bless and release

I’m not crazy about the word “bless”. It and “journey” connote a fakey “Live Laugh Love” brand of quick spirituality… in my brain at least. That being said, the process of acknowledging behaviors that don’t serve us well is a valuable one. My life experience has been more of the “ignore it” or “get over it” variety. Bless and release encourages you to recognize problematic things in your life and empowers you to let them go.

I’ve been reading Eastern Body, Western Mind which is now officially my favorite book. The third chakra, solar plexus, is all about will. The root chakra is about being/ existing, the second is about feeling, and the third is about taking that stuff, being your own person, and going into the world. This is where I’ve been stunted all along.

I’ve often lamented my past seeming inability to take risks. Staying in situations long past their “best by” date because the devil I know is at least predictable. The third chakra is all about intention-driven action. Mindfulness. Responsibility. Not just blowing wherever the wind sends me.

I have Imposter Syndrome which is not a real syndrome but a cycle of thoughts and perceived reinforcement. I rarely think I’m qualified enough to be sitting at the table. This has plagued my work life. I am smart. I’m a good worker. I am easy to work with. But I doubt myself and tend to be deferential to those I perceive to be in a higher position than me.

I’m not so bad in the music realm. Most of the folks I work with swim in the same pool. We are good at what we do, expect our cohort to be up to speed, and we deliver. Singing professionally is one of the areas in my life that I do not feel like an imposter. I will sing your face off. Just don’t ask me to read sheet music because then I will crumble. I make light of it. I’ve come this far so it is what it is. But I somewhat secretly ashamed because I am supposed to be good at everything.

I take degrees very seriously. College degrees, not temperatures. I am constantly seeking graduate and doctoral programs that cost insane amounts of money and when I really soul search it, I’m just looking for a permission slip. I think I’ve talked about this before. I’m looking for a permission slip to sit at the table. Permission from WHO? I couldn’t tell you.

I also collapse at the idea that my parents aren’t constantly beaming with pride over me. Deep reflection has revealed that this is a big messy one. I need to consistently reach goals to check in with them and make sure I am still good enough. My inner critic has the tendency to be very judgmental and overbearing when it comes to what I should be doing, where I should live, how I should raise my son.

In my extended family, I don’t even know how to act. I’m 42 and I still feel like a child. I think it is because I feel that I cannot appear to have any cracks despite being full of them for that very reason.

I want to be clear that I am not blaming my parent(s) or family for any of this. I am a grown ass middle aged woman who is responsible for my own life and happiness. My parents are human and I am human and to throw a tantrum over things I may have done differently would not benefit anyone. That being said, establishing boundaries with them is extremely difficult. I find myself wanting to keep everyone happy and still feel unable to truly be myself around them. I hide my feelings because I do not have the strength to hear how I am wrong about them.

There is some regret in my life – not traveling and exploring more when I was young; staying in long relationships that were not serving anyone well; not really TRYING at music; going with the flow on so many music projects with bossy, obstinate people. I regret settling for the office job that I never fit into. I never fit in because I was never supposed to be there. I was too scared to take a risk and follow my creativity at 25, 30, 35 and here I am.

Here I am.

I can engage in a cycle of wasting more time mourning lost time and losing the time spent mourning. But I’m not going to. With each step forward I will focus on acting from within myself. I exist. I feel. And that’s all that is needed to know what is best.

I bless and release anything that stands in my way.

Day 190, 2020

I am feeling disjointed today. All over the place. I’m in my office now which is nice. It’s very, very quiet. I am very happy.

I am someone whose brain never stops. I mean… we all are. Mine generates ideas a mile a minute. Some are good. Many are very lofty and impractical. The lofty and impractical ones are the most exciting and feel the most genuine. The ones like passing an SEC exam for my job for no real reason except redeeming my failure last year, are less appealing.

Passing the exam doesn’t have much to do with my job. It’s something everyone else at my firm holds but their roles require it. Mine does not. I decided to take it last year as a step toward becoming a compliance officer and making my resume more marketable. My boss intends on retiring in the next 2-3 years and holding this Series _X_ would make me more valuable to whoever buys us out.

The thing is… I’ve more or less decided that I’m going to use this time to gear up for a career change. A career change that will likely result in an enormous pay cut. And no benefits. And now I’m panicking again.

Ok.

(I’ve been attempting to write this post for about 3 hours. I can’t even focus on completing it.)

ANYWAY… a thing I’ve noticed about myself is that if there is any dichotomy in my life, I shut down. Case in point, the Series _X_ is (from my perspective) in direct opposition of the studies I’ve been doing in yoga, art, and psychology. I guess the disconnect I am having right now is – why would I waste any of my mind grapes on Finance when the Transpersonal self-studies I’ve been doing energize me from the inside? Why not focus on the path that is lit up? You know?

As a side-note, I am also having a VERY difficult time giving ANY energy to music even though it very much falls under my creative umbrella. The project we are trying to release has become an albatross. This is not the fault of anyone working on or with the project, I’m just fucking over it. I like writing and performing and I LOATHE everything about releasing a record. I don’t want to agree on a font everyone likes. The hours spend talking about a website that I’m not sure anyone will ever visit is making my skull ache. It is the actual worst.

So back to the original point, the practical side of my brain keeps telling me that if I look at studying for the Series _X_ during work hours and as part of my daytime job, it should not eat into my creative brain space. The big, loud, colorful side is saying fuck it. Focus on the shit that feels right.

Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.