Day 216, 2020

I am having a hard time today. I woke up to an almost comical sequence of messes and irritations. I am making light of it. It almost broke me fro the day. I’ve not been sleeping well. My jaw hurts all the time from holding tension.

I spent all day on the iPad yesterday researching avenues for my art online. Literally all day. I took pictures, re-sized them, taught myself how to use Lightroom. I spent all day in my head. I get physically sick if I spend too much time thinking. It feeds my anxiety and the next thing you know, I am fried and frazzled.

I have resolved to do some serious yoga today and to focus on getting at least a small session in each day. Yesterday was super productive, but out of balance. I am feeling very out of balance today.

When I woke up in this state of almost-panic and dismay, I jumped in the shower and took deep breaths. I let the water run on me for a long time. Counting 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4. My text alarms were going off. My email notification was ringing. 1-2-3-4. I am thankful that I now recognize that the boundaries need to be pulled WAY up when I’m having a moment like this. I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and that is where it has remained. I’ll check in on it, but I think being 100% accessible to everyone all of the time is wearing me the fuck down.

I think the 24 hourness of family life is cracking me as well. Again, being 100% available 100% of the time. My husband bickers with my son. I feel like I am constantly running interference with them. Part of it is because I can’t believe a grown man is fighting with an 8 year old and part of it is because I am a control freak and need everything done my way. Acknowledged.

I feel my blood pressure rise. I joke that they, (mostly my husband) are going to kill me. I also worry that may be true. The jaw pain is almost unbearable at times.

Back in my body

Back in my body.

Back in my body.

Root to rise.

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