I can’t

I am having a really hard time lately.

During the day I’m trying to work, and also tidying up, and also fielding questions and making lunch, and snacks, and making sure that chores get done. And I usually realize I haven’t eaten around 1 or 2pm. I eat. My brain is unfocused.

After 3, my son wants another snack. I have guilt for not getting him outside enough but I have work to do. I work, partially preoccupied by said guilt. Around 4, I feel bad and drag him out for a walk with the dogs. Or we’ll go to the playground if it isn’t too cold. We get back and it’s dinner time so I have to start dinner. I check my email to make sure nothing urgent has come up. I make dinner. We eat. I want to spend some time together. We watch a show while we eat and talk for a bit. He gets on the computer to call his friends. I catch up on work.

Throughout the day I am thinking of projects I wish I could work on. When I take a breather, I wind up scrolling and scrolling instead of doing something creative. More guilt.

Another snack, a bedtime story, an hour or so of saying “go to bed”, and if I’m not finishing up something for work, I try to do some pottery. I inevitably take a break to STUFF MY FACE with every imaginable snack available. I do some pottery, but I also scroll and scroll.

I’ve been online shopping too much. I am too fat. I am fucking mentally depleted. I watch shows too late. I panic because I want to savor this “alone time” or rather “quiet time”. Fall asleep too late, wake up too late and repeat.

Also my dad has surgery in the morning. I’m worried. I feel that he will be ok, but it’s still stressful to think about. I haven’t seen my parents in weeks. It was a nice respite to see them once every week or so. To talk to live human beings.

I am tired. The guilt, the relentlessness of parenting alone, trying to keep up with my thoughts. I am so tired.

It’s apparently another year.

This weed that I have – it’s like it erases your super short term memory. Like, I can’t remember what happened a minute ago and I’m always in that state of confusion. It suspends time and forces me to not get bogged down in rumination about the past or about my feelings of this separation.

And that’s why we drink or smoke. To get out of our heads and the dark heaviness that sludges around in there all day. And at night I’m always going. Cleaning up the house. Working with clay or yarn or paint. Constantly moving, creating ,doing. I don’t like idleness because it presents a risk of sitting with my feelings. Am I still processing them while I’m working? This “work” is play. Creating is home for me.  Am I working through the feelings though? Am I covering them up? Or is creating like lye – simply dissolving the pain into another form?

What are my feelings right now?

Deep breaths.

Sad. Anxious. Relieved. Solid. Tired. Grief. Disappointment. Love and hope and connection.

Guilt of being a bad partner or a bad mother when I was drinking.

Guilt for drinking. So much and so long.

About him I feel… loss, disappointment, pity, rejection, guilt. I will miss the little moments like going to the diner together or having those night time conversations about politics, music, which celebrities are hot. And then I think of the loneliness, disconnect, lack of support, feeling stifled and overruled. But we hugged a lot. I miss that. I loved him but he wasn’t giving me enough of what I needed. A collapsed lung.

My sexuality feels dead. I feel old and fading. I’ve always been apologetic about my body – about my entire presence. SO anxious to be in my own skin. Panic of being looked at. Flaws found. Spotlighted.

I worry that no one will find me beautiful again. Or that the youngest I’ll ever appear in their eyes is this. I worry that I’ll be alone. I can’t imagine sharing space with anyone. I can’t imagine sex. I can’t imagine another body being anywhere near my body. And I know it’s too early to even consider any of that but I really would love to have something to look forward to. That delicious feeling of having a crush – I can’t even picture having it ever again. And that makes me so sad.

This was helpful I think.