It’s been a while. I’ve got nothing very interesting to report. Single parenting is hard. Surprise? It feels like there is never a moment to catch your breath. My kid has seen his dad about one weekend a month since we moved. I have lost perspective as to whether that sounds terrible or not. It sucks for him because he misses his dad. It sucks for me because it’s been an especially chaotic time at my job and I am feeling worn down. I think the thing that makes me crazy is that the excuse for seeing him once a month is that he’s “too busy”. I could go on for several paragraphs as to why this is especially fascinating for this individual to say… but I won’t. The fact is that you can’t be too busy for your kid. It’s simply not an option. You figure it out. ANYHOO…
We’ve found our routine though. And I think we’re doing pretty good. I’ve been continuing my deep dive into self discovery and care.
I’ve had drinks twice.
Yeah. Both were with a friend. (Two different soul sisters) and they are aware of the situation. I explained that I am testing the waters and that I’m being cautious. Both occasions saw me drinking a very reasonable couple of drinks with said friends.
I’m trying not to think too much about parameters at the moment because I am not there. I’ve also been discovering how the parameters I put around myself are problematic. Constantly tracking what I’m eating, lists of everything. It’s become an obsession to regulate myself.
I had a problem. I addressed it. I waited to make a big decision with a clear mind and I frankly may continue on this route. But I’m gonna feel it out a little bit for now. Stupid? Maybe. I own it.
I also created an online dating profile that I will be deleting very soon. What a dump. First of all, I am a whole fucking vibe so I don’t translate well into 150 characters or less. Or whatever. No one does. And the whole swipe bullshit feels very gross to me. Initially, I complained to a friend that I was not getting enough attention (hahaha) but then I realized I had a bunch of parameters on. I cleared them out of curiosity and all of the 25 year olds starting rolling in. Child, no. At least it boosted my shattered self esteem for a minute. It’s all very strange and kind of comical.
I had never even seen the inside of one of these apps so this was mostly an exercise in curiosity. It was also influenced by loneliness and a dwindling sense of feeling remotely attractive. This exercise did not help at all. I was just notified that a “good match” was found with a guy in Oklahoma. Sure sure sure.
In reality, I cannot see being in a relationship. My divorce isn’t even complete. I guess I was hoping there was a nice person who might be in a similar position and would enjoy talking and/ or trading memes and jokes. And maybe something might happen? Or not? My plan is to Golden girls it out with my friends in later life anyway so whatever.
So I guess I had some interesting stuff to support. It’s all dumb though.