I think every entry lately begins with “I’m struggling.” That short sentence is a constant ticker running through my brain. I think it’s partially to acknowledge that I am in the thick of something. Maybe it’s my brain’s way of telling me to reach out. Maybe it’s a validation that things really are hard right now.
But honestly, I just want to curl up and stay in bed all day every day. I don’t… because I can’t. It’s not an option. But it’s hard.
I am still able to recognize things that make me happy or that I’m grateful for. There’s a fat bee feasting on a rhododendron bush right now. I can’t help but smile. I am sitting on my precious deck with my dogs, listening to jazz, having tea, and taking time to write about my feelings. So I’m pretty fucking lucky. I get this. I’m very thankful for this gorgeous moment of peace and reflection. I’m wearing my favorite yoga pants and t-shirt. The sun is out but I’m in the blessed shade. I feel complete and right.
That being said, I have a lot of sadness and resentment. I think much of it is surfacing from my separation. I went into survival mode to get here and to get through the past 6 months and now the feelings have time to bubble up. This makes absolute sense to me.
Some other things I have been up to:
- Studying for a licensing exam for work which I will be taking in June. Finance stuff.
- Continuing through my Yoga 200 hour training. (I abandoned this when I moved in December. It’s catch up time.)
I’m still agonizing about wanting to become a Therapist. I think I’d be good at it. But I also feel like I’m all over the place (see above). I was looking into Life Coaching but I can’t figure out if I feel it’s legitimate enough. I just want to help people. Studying for this exam will be good for my trajectory at work and for my pockets. But it’s not my soul’s work. I am sure of this.