I use “anyway” a lot

I’m still feeling sullen. I took yesterday off of work which was helpful. Today, not much was going on at work. I did some stuff while watching episodes of 20/20 and Ghost Hunters. I do feel relaxed. I also noticed how I keep napping. Like just to shut my brain off. This is depressive behavior. My dreams have been really intense too. So, it’s not even a respite.

I’ve told a couple of friends how I’m feeling which is new for me. It makes me feel safe to know that a couple people know how I’m feeling. In case I fall too deep. Someone will look for me. I won’t. I’m in control. But these things can move quickly I guess.

I’m coming up on a year of being here. Thursday will be our second Thanksgiving alone. I’m sure that is weighing on me. Part of me just wants him to be here. I miss comfort. So much. This fucking sucks. 

Anyway… tonight I would like to work on some knitting. I’m making two little dog sweaters for my friend’s dogs – one of whom was just attacked and almost died. He has lots of stitches and shaved fur so I wanted to make something to keep him cozy. And her other pup has probably been stressed so he’ll get one too. And I made her a hat. 

I love being able to give knitting and pottery gifts to my friends. I’m always not great at communicating how important people are to me. So sometimes it’s a good way for me to show them. 

I’ve also been working on a painting for the past few nights and I am excited about it. It was a piece I started right after a very intense meditation. I closed my eyes and painted some of the images I saw. Now I’m building on that with collage. It’s been very relaxing. 

No clue what I’ll make the LG for dinner. Hot dogs and chicken nuggets have been appearing regularly over here but whatever. I gotta do what I gotta do. He always gets two veggies and eats them. Why am I justifying myself? 


More bullshit

Last night was my favorite annual concert. We’d taken a year off because of the old pandemic. Should’ve been our 9th but it was really our 8th. It’s always a big high on that night and then I inevitably become very depressed for the next few days. 

I suppose it’s the huge hit of community love, combined with giving 100% on-stage, continuing the night of spending time with people I don’t get to see nearly enough and then it’s all over. I get depressed on 12/26 too. I always have. This concert is kind of a season. The prep, the promotion, the event, and then nothing. 

This year is particularly gutting for me. I’ve endured the most emotionally challenging year of my life while being relatively isolated from friends and activities that I find nourishing. I spend most of my time at home with my son and dogs and it’s generally lovely. But this event was a big reminder of how  lonely I am. 

I’m someone who enjoys being by myself and I often need to retreat and re-charge. But this has been too much, I guess. Like, if you eat the entire cake, you’re going to feel like shit. 

I spent my teens and 20s with very low self esteem.  I spent my 30s building it up and authentically feeling that I am pretty smart, I get shit done, I have things that I’m good at, I’m generally likable, and reasonably attractive. These actualizations were in SPITE of hearing nothing of the sort from my former partner. 

This carried through until the last 6 months where I have dropped so low. Painfully low. 

  • I feel like I’m not as smart as I thought I was. I’ve failed a designation test for work 3 times in the past year and a half. 
  • I am struggling to stay on top of everything. Probably because I have no help at home or at work.
  • I attempted online dating for about 2 weeks and it was abysmal. In real life, I can feel my age making me invisible. I’ve lost some swagger. Not on the stage, I own that shit. But in interacting with people. I feel myself shrinking. And not bothering. 
  • I used to be very social. I’m not anymore. Partially pandemic, partially my situation, partially just diversions of life. I honestly don’t miss it much, but it was nice to feel a part of something. 
  • I feel strangled by mistakes I’ve made in my past that have led me to this point. 

I have a hard time communicating this to friends. Sometimes I’ll start talking about it but if we get into any depth, I begin to make light of it and change the subject. 

I miss love. I think it’s gone forever. I’m not being dramatic. I just cannot imagine a scenario where it would ever resurface. It’s a good thing I’m never bored. I’ll commit to art and learning. 

I don’t know. 

God, this is grim.