More bullshit

Last night was my favorite annual concert. We’d taken a year off because of the old pandemic. Should’ve been our 9th but it was really our 8th. It’s always a big high on that night and then I inevitably become very depressed for the next few days. 

I suppose it’s the huge hit of community love, combined with giving 100% on-stage, continuing the night of spending time with people I don’t get to see nearly enough and then it’s all over. I get depressed on 12/26 too. I always have. This concert is kind of a season. The prep, the promotion, the event, and then nothing. 

This year is particularly gutting for me. I’ve endured the most emotionally challenging year of my life while being relatively isolated from friends and activities that I find nourishing. I spend most of my time at home with my son and dogs and it’s generally lovely. But this event was a big reminder of how  lonely I am. 

I’m someone who enjoys being by myself and I often need to retreat and re-charge. But this has been too much, I guess. Like, if you eat the entire cake, you’re going to feel like shit. 

I spent my teens and 20s with very low self esteem.  I spent my 30s building it up and authentically feeling that I am pretty smart, I get shit done, I have things that I’m good at, I’m generally likable, and reasonably attractive. These actualizations were in SPITE of hearing nothing of the sort from my former partner. 

This carried through until the last 6 months where I have dropped so low. Painfully low. 

  • I feel like I’m not as smart as I thought I was. I’ve failed a designation test for work 3 times in the past year and a half. 
  • I am struggling to stay on top of everything. Probably because I have no help at home or at work.
  • I attempted online dating for about 2 weeks and it was abysmal. In real life, I can feel my age making me invisible. I’ve lost some swagger. Not on the stage, I own that shit. But in interacting with people. I feel myself shrinking. And not bothering. 
  • I used to be very social. I’m not anymore. Partially pandemic, partially my situation, partially just diversions of life. I honestly don’t miss it much, but it was nice to feel a part of something. 
  • I feel strangled by mistakes I’ve made in my past that have led me to this point. 

I have a hard time communicating this to friends. Sometimes I’ll start talking about it but if we get into any depth, I begin to make light of it and change the subject. 

I miss love. I think it’s gone forever. I’m not being dramatic. I just cannot imagine a scenario where it would ever resurface. It’s a good thing I’m never bored. I’ll commit to art and learning. 

I don’t know. 

God, this is grim.

One thought on “More bullshit

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