I use “anyway” a lot

I’m still feeling sullen. I took yesterday off of work which was helpful. Today, not much was going on at work. I did some stuff while watching episodes of 20/20 and Ghost Hunters. I do feel relaxed. I also noticed how I keep napping. Like just to shut my brain off. This is depressive behavior. My dreams have been really intense too. So, it’s not even a respite.

I’ve told a couple of friends how I’m feeling which is new for me. It makes me feel safe to know that a couple people know how I’m feeling. In case I fall too deep. Someone will look for me. I won’t. I’m in control. But these things can move quickly I guess.

I’m coming up on a year of being here. Thursday will be our second Thanksgiving alone. I’m sure that is weighing on me. Part of me just wants him to be here. I miss comfort. So much. This fucking sucks. 

Anyway… tonight I would like to work on some knitting. I’m making two little dog sweaters for my friend’s dogs – one of whom was just attacked and almost died. He has lots of stitches and shaved fur so I wanted to make something to keep him cozy. And her other pup has probably been stressed so he’ll get one too. And I made her a hat. 

I love being able to give knitting and pottery gifts to my friends. I’m always not great at communicating how important people are to me. So sometimes it’s a good way for me to show them. 

I’ve also been working on a painting for the past few nights and I am excited about it. It was a piece I started right after a very intense meditation. I closed my eyes and painted some of the images I saw. Now I’m building on that with collage. It’s been very relaxing. 

No clue what I’ll make the LG for dinner. Hot dogs and chicken nuggets have been appearing regularly over here but whatever. I gotta do what I gotta do. He always gets two veggies and eats them. Why am I justifying myself? 

Ugh. 

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