Ok. What am I doing? Seriously.
I am rudderless. I keep searching for someone or something to cling on to… who will get me where I need to go. The only person who is going to do that is me. This is bullshit.
I’ve been dulling and sating myself so I don’t get angry enough to actually do something. Or fed up enough. I am EXISTING right now.
I will be 45 in a week.
I am miserable. Disconnected. Overstuffed. Underutilized. I am lonely sometimes. Not all the time though. I’ve leaned in to my loner-ness.
Where do I start? Where do I start Where do I start?
I’ve started and gone down so many dead ends that I’m tired. Why bother? The bridge will be out down the road. But where is my sense of adventure. Mulling around in this clearing wasting time. Wearing circles in the grass. What is the worry? It cannot be worse than this. This is terrible.
I’m so fucking tired of trying again and I think I’ve just given up at so many things. Rested in the comfort zone. That’s ok actually. That’s what its there for. Have I rested enough? Who cares. Time continues on.
Yeah – I guess this is a funk. I’m not sure what to really do with myself. It’s the first week of school so maybe I’m just kind of feeling out of sorts dude to the schedule change.
I’ve been thinking about what I’m doing with my life. SO much time sitting outside, smoking, and watching stupid tv shows that I barely care about. I had a therapist who would always question why I couldn’t just let myself veg out. Like, honestly – aside from the weed and cigarettes, there’s nothing wrong with watching a few hours of tv at night. I think most people do this.
But I guess this goes back to my belief that I am not most people.
I’m driven by art and beauty and creativity. I guess this sounds kind of smug. But I do feel strongly that I see the world as an artist. Like I’m part of a relatively small group.
YET – when I think consider attempting to become a full time musician or artist, I begin to think “well what makes me so special?” You know? There’s a cognitive dissonance in there. But this spins me into examining all of the things that make me “less than”. It’s exhausting. And also a little self absorbed if you think about it.
I think I get aggravated when I feel like I am spinning my wheels.
Let’s also heap a little mom guilt on there. I missed the deadline to sign my kid up for aftercare so for the month of September, he is with me every afternoon… while I’m working. I feel like I should be taking him around to do awesome things but I’m not able to. So he watches tv and the guilt spiral continues.
Also dating apps are so terrible. Online shopping for people.