Yeah – I guess this is a funk. I’m not sure what to really do with myself. It’s the first week of school so maybe I’m just kind of feeling out of sorts dude to the schedule change.
I’ve been thinking about what I’m doing with my life. SO much time sitting outside, smoking, and watching stupid tv shows that I barely care about. I had a therapist who would always question why I couldn’t just let myself veg out. Like, honestly – aside from the weed and cigarettes, there’s nothing wrong with watching a few hours of tv at night. I think most people do this.
But I guess this goes back to my belief that I am not most people.
I’m driven by art and beauty and creativity. I guess this sounds kind of smug. But I do feel strongly that I see the world as an artist. Like I’m part of a relatively small group.
YET – when I think consider attempting to become a full time musician or artist, I begin to think “well what makes me so special?” You know? There’s a cognitive dissonance in there. But this spins me into examining all of the things that make me “less than”. It’s exhausting. And also a little self absorbed if you think about it.
I think I get aggravated when I feel like I am spinning my wheels.
Let’s also heap a little mom guilt on there. I missed the deadline to sign my kid up for aftercare so for the month of September, he is with me every afternoon… while I’m working. I feel like I should be taking him around to do awesome things but I’m not able to. So he watches tv and the guilt spiral continues.
Also dating apps are so terrible. Online shopping for people.