Some point in quarantine.

Today has been hard. A lot of things that have been bubbling under the surface came up. Now that I am allowing myself to feel things instead of stuffing them down, it looks like I’m forced to deal with issues rather than quietly moving around in resentment. Go figure.

Typically, when a disagreement arises I wind up walking away and holding my breath. That’s not part of this evolution though. So I said some shit. I got upset. I haven’t reacted like that… in tears rather than anger… in years.

There is a lot that I stuff down rather than confronting because the devil you know has always seemed better than the unknown.

I don’t know if there is any resolution here but I am unable to put up and shut up anymore.

Just for today, I will not get angry.

Holocene epoch, Quaternary period, Cenozoic era.

When you start tuning in and feeding your energy where it feels right, paying no mind to the “shoulds” or the “expectations”, magical things begin to happen. When I quit drinking, I felt certain that my rusty old receptors were rattling back to top form. I feel confident that all of these things are happening.

I have been meditating regularly and paying close attention to what I am receiving and lo and behold, answers are coming through. Not just answers though, heavy handed bonks on the head and signs wrapped in Christmas lights. I am getting the same messages reinforced through so many channels that it is almost frightening, kind of comical, and entirely an enormous relief.

What the fuck am I talking about? Well, I’ve been searching for myself fro 42 years. I am a wolf born of lambs and expected to act as such. I’ve felt out of place my whole life. I’ve felt uncomfortable my whole life. Too much, too little, pretending to be interested in things I was not, hiding things I am interested in for fear of being judged or shunned. I drank to get rid of that feeling. Now I am ready to face it and get to the root of it.

Since being accepted into the MBA program, I’ve felt a big disconnect inside. I don’t want to learn more about business. I fucking hate business. It’s choreography. I’d rather just dance.

I’ve talked about my nervous breakdowns every several years because my soul comes out and CRIES that it is not happy and not fulfilled and not being USED to it’s greatest potential. My soul wants to heal people. I know that. I don’t need to be an executive. That’s not my dream. That belongs to someone else. I”m giving it back.

I’ve had intense migraines for 2 months now. Debilitating and scary ones that had me wearing sunglasses indoors and sleeping through days because the pain was too much. Now, I will keep you updated on this, but in the past few days since I’ve made the decision to not enroll in the MBA program and to enroll in another course that is more aligned with my spiritual path, I have not had one. Will that continue? I’m not sure but I have a good feeling that they will subside now.

I realize this is all very vague but I’m still processing a lot of it. This time in my life is big. What I am going through right now is so important and energizing. In a meditation the other day, I kept getting the message, “you have always known.” And my whole body relaxed and filled up with light.

This is gonna be so fucking good.

Day something, Moment.

I am FEELING things today. I am frustrated as hell. Instead of just stuffing down and moving through, I took a minute to acknowledge my feelings.

1. I was on a call for work for over an hour where the same two people blew hot air for 90% of it. This call is supposed to be a weekly check in to give an overview of what everyone is working on. It inevitably veers into granular territory of specific projects by one particular individual. It is especially frustrating to me because this stuff has nothing to do with me. My portion of the check-in is typically crammed into the last 1-2 minutes of that call.

As aggravating as it is to hear one person drone on for an hour, I am fine with folks delving into details. I remind myself that, at times, this is actually valuable education. Other times, however, I feel that it is inconsiderate use of time. It is clear that my update is treated with minimal importance. I have a good relationship with my boss and could bring this up to him, but I need to sort through it first so I don’t come across as whiny. I want my voice to be heard. Also, random “pro tip”: NEVER use the word “just” in business emails. EVER.

2. The MBA v. Artist thing. Taking my courses is becoming such an emotional chore. I am really at odds with whether I want to see this through.

The thing is, when I consider quitting, several faces show up who are either judging, laughing at, rolling their eyes, or are disappointed in me. Throughout my life, I have had a lot of false starts and big ideas that went nowhere. Like – here she goes again. What tends to happen is I make a big statement like – “I’m going to be an art therapist” and then I start classes and then I drop out. And a couple years later I say, “I’m going to open up an art studio” and I secure a space and then a global pandemic happens and the whole idea crumbles. So I think, “I’ll get my MBA”, and apply, get into a program and then second guess whether or not I am looking for a high five from my parents or for someone to finally fucking take me seriously. ANYONE. Because I am worthless without a secondary degree apparently.

Also, I feel like a lot of my accomplishments are out of spite. Hhahah. I’m not even kidding. I rage-succeed. Jesus. Oh you think I can’t do that??? WATCH ME. And I’m wondering if that’s what THIS is. Again. Quitting drinking was partially a rage-success. Improving my credit was absolutely a hate-fuck.

But back to work stuff, I started working in an office in my early twenties. I NEVER fit in. I’m smart but I’m not good at herd mentality and I am terrible at sucking up. I was typically doing “women’s work” as a receptionist or secretary where I did a good job but ultimately got bored and then unmotivated and I’d eventually become horribly depressed and quit. This cycle happened 4-5 times.

I’ve been at my present job for 14 years. I enjoy what I do and I generally like the folks I work with. I have a flexible schedule and I get to run things without anyone breathing down my neck. As far as office jobs go, it’s perfect. But it’s still an office job and I’m at a conflict with myself about it. Our CEO is going to retire in the next few years. Basically, I like working for him. I feel very hesitant about starting over under someone else.

3. I am also not feeling heard at home. This is a very large knot that will need a lot of time and patience to untie. Typically, just looking at it sends me into a panic so I just pretend it’s not there. It’s just getting bigger. Surprise?

I think what I usually do is get angry and snippy and then I isolate myself and get into a merry-go-round of resentment in my head. Today, I took a breath and thought about it and felt the feeling. I kept repeating “feel this” which was weird. But I did. And I connected with it. And now I’m writing about it. I will not be getting into specifics but this feels like a baby step forward – for my own healing at the very least.

I feel like a lot of what I am looking for is permission.

Day 140, 2020

I am all over the place today. I’m moody. I slept really late. I have sneezed no fewer than 1,500 times. Having allergies is like living in a constant elevated state of frustration. I just want to scream and go to bed and wake up in a month or so. To add to this, my cat, who I love and am also dangerously allergic to, has taken to napping on the windowsill where I work. You would not believe the cat wigs that float off of her. My lampshade is covered in Pearl fur. I digress because she is excellent company.

I have done the bare minimum for work over the past two days. This is partially because I put in a ton of work last week, so I can float a little bit. It’s also because my mental capacity needs a break I’ve been ramming into a wall over the past week. The guilt attached to not giving 100% to work, parenting, teaching, keeping my house together, art has been climbing. My brain knows it is impossible, but the perfectionist in me is still like “why can’t you fucking just do this?” or “why are you being lazy about this?”

I’ve been doing a lot of spiritual work and naval gazing during this lockdown and man, I am my own worst enemy. I am not looking for people or situations to blame from my childhood. I don’t care where it came from. I just need to fix it. (Even here, I’m trying to be a hero.) In any case, I’m trying to just be fucking nicer to myself. I’m not that bad.

Over the years, little mental wars about my physical appearance, my business accomplishments, my creative talent, my intelligence – have broken me way down. The upside of this is that I think I’m ready to rebuild.

I’m never going to be 120 lbs again. Hooray. I’m sick of fucking caring. I like potato chips. My belly wiggles. Not into it? Your call.

I’m sick of “sexy”. The whole fucking concept is bullshit. It’s objective AND subjective and fully based on whether the collective “men” want to fuck you. If you’re sexy, you move a dude’s dick. Gross. I hereby dismiss this as a basis of value in any universe. “But sexy is can be your mind or you energy.” Cool. But it’s still measured in YOUR genital response. None of my business. NEXT.

My hair is streaked with grey. I think it looks cool.

I will never be the up and coming artist to watch in music. That shit simply doesn’t happen to women over 40. It’s not going to stop me. But I’m also not going to give as much of a shit. I’m being choosier with what I invest my time in. I can’t do all of the things. I don’t WANT to do all of the things. I think I tried to be involved in everything in order to stay relevant. At this point, I either am or I am not. The opinions and whims of other people are beyond my control. I’m gonna keep doing me in either case. Time>Money. Naps>Exposure.

I came back from 2 nervous breakdowns and bankruptcy in my twenties with near perfect credit and pretty fucking solid mental health in my forties. Also I don’t drink anymore which probably has a lot to do with everything said in the previous sentence. Either way, mission accomplished.

All of this is not to say I’m this immensely evolved superwoman. I still have hangups.

I’m not cool with my face looking older.

I’m still battling whether or not I should go through with grad school or follow my passions with art, spirituality, and mental health. I literally do not know what my opinion on this is.

I’m still figuring out my voice and my authentic feelings and thoughts on a lot of things. I’ve developed a callus over my true desires over years of stuffing them down just to power through. Much of my life reflects the direction I have taken from others. And what I’ve learned (spoiler alert) is that you CANNOT please EVERYONE ALL of the time. That was my actual goal. Seriously. I mean, it’s nearly impossible to please EVERYONE even SOME of the time… unless you’re air. I am not air. Or potato chips.

Mother’s Day 2020.

Something broke in me today. I had a good sob, then I took a bath and a muscle relaxer.

First of all, I have been having daily migraines for over a month as a result of TMJ. The muscle relaxers are from a car accident I had in 2014. Thank god I hung onto them because they’re the only thing that helps the pain in my jaw. The ONLY thing. The prescription said one every 8 hours. They do the job for maybe two. But I’ll take those two. Since I only had about 6 left, I’ve been rationing them out for days that are insufferable, like today. I have one left.

I’m frustrated because my GP was not listening to me. She kept saying it was allergies. I have no medical degree, but I’ve had allergies AND my skull for 42 years and this is not allergies. My dentist heard me and gave me a new guard to wear at night. That helped at first but the migraines are back.

Today was Mother’s Day so I went to my parents’ for a distance-appropriate afternoon hang on their deck. It was a really nice time. Then I wanted dinner from Veggie Heaven but they weren’t taking orders. Frustration.

I came home, my head throbbing, my stomach churning, and my heart breaking because of the nice, but still surreal time with my family and I lost it. Completely lost it. And for once, I LET myself. I’m doing a lot of internal work during quarantine and allowing myself to feel emotions is a big part of it. I cried for maybe 7 minutes total. Then I took a bath. Now I feel relaxed.

Day 112, 2020

I haven’t felt much like writing about drinking. I don’t really have much to say. It’s moved from the front of my brain to the back. From screaming and kicking to subdued. I’m probably not out of the woods as I considered taking a sip of a liqueur that we were trying to identify. But I remembered – oh you don’t drink anymore. And I put it down and that was it.

W asked me if I’ll ever drink again and I didn’t have an answer. I told him I didn’t know. Right now, I am not ready. In part, I don’t want to. I’ve worked hard to associate my drinking with terrible headaches, bloating, and acting like a fucking idiot. I don’t want any of those things. If that means not drinking, great.

The one thing I do miss… and I’ve talked about it here several times… is our favorite restaurant in Newark. They make sangria that descended straight from heaven. It tastes SO good. They may have a non-alcoholic version. I don’t know. But it’s ritual. At some point, I would consider going there and trying it out. Not now, but maybe at some point. And maybe I’ll get there and think it’s not worth it.

What I am trying to articulate is – my relationship with alcohol doesn’t seem so “urgent” anymore. I don’t have to work every day to quell my desire. Many days, I don’t think too much about it aside from strengthening my identification as someone who doesn’t drink. I wrestle with that part a lot. Probably because of my narcissism. Nobody gives a shit what my personal relationship is. People gather for the good time. And that’s fine.

This quarantine has been somewhat of an Awakening for me. I’ve paying attention to where my soul wants to be and what it wants to do. I’m connecting with energy and getting even more fucking woo-woo than I was before.

I was accepted into an MBA program and have already started on Foundation classes (that I need to pass before enrolling). I’m immersed in Accounting most of the day and then I get some yarn out and watch a crime drama – or chat with friends – or take my Reiki course.

Life as a hermit is pretty fucking good right now. That being said, I am acknowledging the role my continued paycheck, health, and general privilege play in that statement.

Going forward, expect more woo woo musings. That feels like where I’m gonna go.

DAY 101, 2020

I have not been celebrating milestones because we are living in Bizarro World. I am continuing to enjoy a life without alcohol though. This quarantine business would have surely been a very long bender had it been last year. I can’t even imagine.

I’ve been using this time to do some naval gazing and writing and art. I’ve been staying up too late watching questionable television. I have been on Facebook WAY too much. Not saying much, but quietly seething. It’s honestly not much different than before. Also, I’ve been hibernating from 100 days. So this is old hat for me.

What I do appreciate is the quiet time with my family. It has helped us to work on some stuff. It’s making me more patient. We are working our way back to teamwork. It’s hard sometimes. My husband is on the spectrum and communication is challenging. Additionally, he is stubborn and bossy. I’m impatient and easily annoyed. Telling me what to do is the quickest way to unlock my mean streak. Both of us tend to isolate. Sometimes we forget the other person is even there.

It’s been good for us. I am lucky to continue earning full salary. I am so grateful and am certainly not treating this as a vacation. In fact, I’m working even harder than ever – but in velour tracksuits. I have like 5 of them.

I also just completed my application for an MBA program. I’m HOPING to do an accelerated (12 month) thing, but I know how I tend to go super hard and then burn out. This time has taught me to be more thoughtful and accept space.

This is getting boring I think.