Day 21, 2020

So, a thing happened and I’m not really sure what to do with it, so I’ll write about it here. That’s why I’m doing this, right?

So, last week I had reached out to a woman I had met at AA. She and I had spoken several times, it seems we share some interests, and it felt very easy to interact with her. She raised her hand when the leader asked if anyone was willing to be a temporary sponsor so I decided to drop her a line.

Let me backtrack a moment to say that reaching out to people is NOT one of my strong points. I feel like I’ve mentioned it here. It’s a pretty big part of my personality. I like to help people. I like to think I can do everything by myself. I am independent to a possibly unhealthy degree. There has to be some narcissism behind at least some of it. Anyway, to drive home my point, it took a LOT for me ask if she would talk to me about being a temporary sponsor.

She responded that she was available and suggested we meet up to talk. NOW, (and I’m assuming that this could be the problem), it took a couple of days for me to get back to her. Work was crazy, my son had strep, and I did not make my response a priority.

She asked if I’d be attending the Monday meeting (yesterday) and I told her I would not because I had a scheduled rehearsal. Then she said that she is already working with someone and could give me the names of other women in the program. I felt so REJECTED.

Throughout this process, I’m trying to reconnect and be honest about my feelings and man, I was hurt. Like, I wanted to cry. I got that weird kind of lightheaded feeling and a flash of heat over my heart and the sting in my head. I could not help but wonder what I had done or if she did not like me. She raised her hand to be a temporary sponsor and all of a sudden she was not. It was so hard to ask that question. This felt personal. Also, I am extremely sensitive (also possibly narcissism).

As I’m writing this, it’s clear that she may think I’m just not ready and doesn’t want to waste her time. Or she may NOT like me and that’s none of my business. Maybe life is too crazy for HER. These people aren’t therapists. They are recovering alcoholics like me.

My wounded ego’s response would be that I’ve been steadily attending meetings for 3 weeks and life got a little busy for a week. I was just looking for some guidance.

If I’m also being honest about not making my response to her a priority… I began to feel pressure of commitment. I began to panic about my inevitable failure. I also am not 100% sure if I’m going to remain alcohol free for the rest of my life. Like, this is a thing I’m trying. I didn’t want a person to personally let down. I’m used to letting myself down.

So, long story longer, my desire to return to a meeting this week had decreased. I mean. I am being dramatic. I see that. I’m licking my wounds and we’ll see what happens. 21 days though. 21 days.

Day 19, 2020

First of all, I’m proud of myself. 19 fucking days.

Last night I woke up at 3am with a horrid stomach ache and spent an hour with my head in the toilet. It reminded me of the MANY times I had experienced this over the years because of drinking. I kept flashing back to that feeling. The grindy brain, exhausted body, confused, Jeckyll wondering what Hyde had done and why. Hoping for some relief in vomiting.

Last night’s escapade was of course not driven by alcohol however I suspect it may have been a result of the chips, sour cream and cookies I decided to indulge in around midnight. Soooooo, as stated before, I still have some shit to work through. Why am I eating so much? To fill a void. But why? What is that void? I have several suspicions based on what my life is missing. I do not feel like getting into them now.

Today I logged my only meal. An egg with cheese on toast. And tea. I’m such a fucking Britophile. Does that count if you were raised mainly in that culture? Who knows or cares.

I’m going to do a barre exercise in a bit. It’s literally the least I can do. More later maybe.

Day 18, 2020

I’ve only been to one meeting this week. I went on Monday and the rest of the week have been exhausted from work. I’ve been very very tired this week. I blame hormones. I have still not had a drink though. I did have a little weed on the past couple of nights to help me sleep. I have a card. It’s legal. And I’ve never been much of a pothead. Alcohol was always my problem.

That being said, I wanted to come clean about it and to be completely honest. So, here are some thoughts I have about it. My goal was to become free from alcohol. Alcohol turns me into a selfish beast who cannot stop until she literally passes out. Alcohol is the demon who convinces me that I am better with it than without it. Alcohol is the thing that says it is fine to drive home even if you have to close one eye to not see double. It tells me it’s fine to puke in a bag on my lap. Alcohol always thinks I should have just one more. Alcohol has seen me sleep on floors. Alcohol makes me flirt when I look like the trash heap.

Weed was something I’ve dabbled in throughout my adulthood. Usually I would pass it up. It was never a big deal to me. I got a card because I figured it would help me sleep and it has been helpful. I also have a little in the evening to help me relax. Weed helps me concentrate on whatever I’m working on. It does, however, make me want to eat all of the things. I’m going to keep my eye on it though to see if it becomes a replacement.

One other thing is that I have been smoking less. I haven’t been sitting outside all night and chain smoking. I go out about 2 times and have one or two cigarettes. I mean. That’s an improvement, right?

Anyway…

Day 16, 2020

I’ve been really nice to myself since quitting drinking. For instance, I’ve gone through several bags (bagS) of potato chips in two weeks. The big bags. And several containers of sour cream. And my favorite cookies. Two boxes. And some donuts at work. And a little ice cream. And I made popcorn a few times. I even went to Burger King the other day for the first time in a long time to try the impossible burger. It was good.

As it turns out, I chose to start at a very hunger-inducing half of the month. Talk about picking the wrong week to stop drinking. From what I understand, sugar cravings get a little crazy from the lack of alcohol. In any case, a recipe for overindulgence.

Today, I’m wearing a favorite lounge outfit and it’s cutting off circulation in my fat middle. I’ve logged back in to Weight Watchers, who I’ve been donating to for several months, and so far have had a salad with chicken and several cups of tea. Tonight, I will have a chicken burger with some vegetables for dinner. I’ll probably have a snack too – as long as it stays within my “points”. I’m actually terrified to weigh myself. And I really want another box of cookies.

Part of quitting drinking was to get a handle on my weight. Drinking like 600+ calories a night has not helped my physique or skin. Filling those 600 missing calories out with junk food is not going to make things better.

So fingers crossed that I can get this nonsense under control.

Day 6, 2020

I’m here. Everything is fine. I just wasn’t feeling posting yesterday. My son, dog, and I did a nice little hike. We watched Up and enjoyed food from my favorite vegetarian restaurant. Well, I did. My son was not interested and had some leftovers. We fed our neighbors cats who are so stinking cute! Then I did some work and watched Broadchurch. Actually I finished Broadchurch and I miss Alec Hardy already – that broody, socially incapable, perpetually scowling misanthrope. Checks all my boxes! What a dreamboat.

I did not attend a meeting yesterday. I have found that there aren’t meetings with child care. Perhaps this is something I can look into starting? At some point that is not now…

I have a meeting on calendar for this evening. Afterwards, I have lots of knitting or art to work on. I couldn’t get up this morning and slept very late. I’m giving myself some times as my body is probably detoxing. I’m going to try to be in bed by 11 tonight. Even if that’s watching a show. I should be ready to sleep. Maybe some reading.

Did you miss this yesterday? How boring. Hahahha. Hopefully more interesting stuff next time.