I had my ladies night on Saturday and I didn’t get too crazy. In fact, I got a headache. I’m not sure if it was from dehydration or from exhaustion but it was a doozy. I barely slept the night before due to the Pup wanting to go out, the little guy wanting to come in, and regular old general anxiety. I had a nice breakfast at the diner with the girls and then went home to complete some chores.
I went back down about 3:30 and had a few hard seltzer’s before the headache started it’s strangle hold. I just wasn’t feeling it. I wanted to go home but I felt bad, so I stayed. A beloved friend was in from out of state so I wanted to be sure I spent time with her. Unfortunately, it was getting to the point where no one was making sense and kind of talking over one another. Sometimes, I feel like I somehow missed the wave everyone else is surfing on and then I just can’t catch up. And ultimately I’m fine with that because I’m so tired. And cranky.
I had intended on staying over and really going for it, but I left around 1am and put my throbbing cranium on a pillow. It’s weird that I couldn’t just leave at like 9 or 10 when I wanted to. I always feel like I’m going to be seen as a jerk if I do that. And I have a crippling need to be liked. So this is what I do.
We had a nice family day on Sunday. Lots of outside time. Reading, My little guy and the dog running around the yard. We went out for dinner and I had a glass of wine but that was it. All night. I went to bed at a reasonable time after watching a Doris Day movie.
Tonight, I am struggling. I honestly do not WANT a drink but I’m craving one. Does that even make sense at all? Like… many body wants it. I guess that’s why they call it addiction (sung to Elton John’s song). It’s such a shit feeling. I’m sort of caught between “oh go have one” and “no, just ride it out. Prove something to yourself.”
The second one is yelling louder. I’m listening.
I woke up this morning wondering if I’d get through today. I stayed in bed too long. Sometimes I think I try to sleep through life to fast forward through it. It’s terrible. Although I have always been prone to depression, I’m generally a happy person. I have a nice life. Pretty much all of the things I wanted. But sometimes I just want to sleep through it.
I had to bring Pup to work with me because he had an afternoon vet appointment. We got some scary news. He has a tumor but we don’t know whether is’s benign, malignant, operable, inoperable. We’re bringing him for a (very expensive) ultrasound tomorrow. I am calmer than I would have thought. Almost too calm.
My dog is 15 years old. We’ve had him for about 12 years. He is an enormous pain in the ass. He barks at everything with a heartbeat. He has nipped at family and friends. He doesn’t even seem to like me anymore. However… he is my best buddy. My soul companion. I love him beyond measure. So I should be freaking out. But I’m not.
I get this way. I numb myself out. Let me be clear… I have not had a drink. I just naturally do this. I keep hearing the wine demon* saying, “This is a big deal. If you want to have a drink, it is totally understandable.” But any time I picture that glass of wine, I feel the wine headache in the front of my head. And it turns me off. I’m sure this is temporary since this is so new, but I’ll take it.
So yeah… I am not sure what I am feeling right now but so far it is not leading me to want to drink. I’ll know more tomorrow about Pup. So maybe I’m just trying to gauge myself. I don’t even fucking know. It’s like I’m talking about another person.
Tonight I plan to catch up on some work. I’d like to do some artwork too since I’m gearing up to a big art project… which I don’t even feel like talking about right now.
*I don’t like the term “wine witch” because I identify as pagan – hahah. I’m not kidding but it’s so silly.
I’ve never done a dry January or anything like that. I was kind of lamenting about whether I would have to start from day one and lose those precious two alcohol free days I just had. In the end those two days don’t really matter, do they? They are in the past. So is last night… when I had 3 glasses of wine. And THEN some cheese fries.
I find that lists help me. And also I like using my Apple Pencil.
It’s already 9pm so my plan for the night is to finish watching Precious, which I started last night. I’ve always wanted to see it and it is a rough watch. So heart wrenching.
Interested in hearing what you drink at wine o’clock and what you’ve been doing with your extra time.
I’m on Day 3 of something. I’m not necessarily stopping drinking but I’m definitely hunkering down with sobriety books. Trying to hammer in the idea that drinking is doing literally nothing good for me.
Right now, I’m reading Sober Diaries, How One Woman Stopped Drinking and Started Living. So far, it’s great. I am constantly nodding and groaning in agreement. It’s helpful to know I’m not alone in this. It’s kind of incredible to hear someone else rattle off a LONG list of the SAME excuses and “plans” I’ve made.
Last night was a little rough. I almost gave in like 5 times. But I kept reminding myself that if I had one glass at 10pm that I’d be up till 1am drinking. I remembered how nice it was to just go to sleep early the previous night and how good I felt all day. So I went with that. It sucks that this is a constant fucking negotiation in my head.
I guess for the moment, I’m committing to finishing that book. That’s it. I have another one on deck too. I’m going to try and focus on sober/ healthy reading this coming month. Yeah? Yeah.