Day 40, 2020

I had my first gig without alcohol on Friday. Also, it was a Battle of the Bands which I swore UP and DOWN that I would NEVER do again but playing in front of new faces and ears is good for us and it’s what we need to be doing right now. The venue had my favorite seltzers which was good but I did feel a bit out of sorts.

I was anxious. Now, we were in a completely new place and playing under pressure so I’m sure I’d have been anxious anyway but doing this without my band-aid was a little rough. BUT I did it. I felt the things. I sequestered myself. I feel like I just walked around in circles for a while. But I got through it and didn’t drink any alcohol. Afterward, we were all freaking exhausted. One of the guys brought beer to bring back but only one was opened and everyone was asleep by 12:30. Rock star life, man.

Bunch of grandmas.

It was nice to not be hungover in another city. We enjoyed a brunch and MAN I wanted a Bloody Mary. I considered asking for a virgin one but that would probably be disgusting. So, I enjoyed my tea and a great egg sandwich. Both places we ate were really on point and I am a little snobby. Way to go, Baltimore. Thank you for being a friend.

Day 28, 2020

It’s been a few minutes but I’m still here. Still not drinking. 28 days. I cannot believe it. As I say almost every time… I’ve never even come close to this.

I went out to a bar last week. Cabin Fever has been setting in and some friends were playing a show about a half hour away. This was my first trip to a bar since being alcohol free and it was weird. This particular bar is weird to begin with so that may have added to my vibe. In any case, I survived and am not itching to do it again any time soon.

First of all I felt REALLY self conscious. I just wanted to hide. I have a CVS receipt of physical hangups and I cannot drown them in Pinot Grigio anymore. So I’m feeling really awkward. I found it difficult to hold conversations because my self-consciousness was taking up a lot of space in my brain and I find that I simply don’t have much to say sometimes.

Other peoples’ conversations became more erratic and intense and I wasn’t riding that wave. I went outside to smoke a couple times. And I Irish Goodbyed which is something I was NEVER able to do when drinking because I had to say goodbye to EVERYONE individually. Unless I was in blackout mode. Then I would disappear. Ugh. Is having to say goodbye to everyone another shard of narcissism? Like everyone cares deeply whether you’re there or not. Hahahha.

I’ve learned a bit in the AA meetings I’ve attended and that is that alcholics are fucking selfish. I can’t disagree. This kind of self-centered and self-important behavior is not natural. I mean, I am also a recovering Catholic so there’s probably some residual guilt in ever considering oneself in any situation. Maybe I’m somewhere in the middle. Maybe it doesn’t fucking matter.

I’ve got a lot of shit to do at work this week and I’m trying to focus on that. I’m now being asked whether this “dry January” thing will end on February 1. For me, no. My response is, “I am doing this indefinitely. I need to figure out how to exist without it before I would ever consider doing it again.” I really feel like I’m fine without it. Seriously. If you asked me 3 months ago, I would not have agreed with that statement.

Day 18, 2020

I’ve only been to one meeting this week. I went on Monday and the rest of the week have been exhausted from work. I’ve been very very tired this week. I blame hormones. I have still not had a drink though. I did have a little weed on the past couple of nights to help me sleep. I have a card. It’s legal. And I’ve never been much of a pothead. Alcohol was always my problem.

That being said, I wanted to come clean about it and to be completely honest. So, here are some thoughts I have about it. My goal was to become free from alcohol. Alcohol turns me into a selfish beast who cannot stop until she literally passes out. Alcohol is the demon who convinces me that I am better with it than without it. Alcohol is the thing that says it is fine to drive home even if you have to close one eye to not see double. It tells me it’s fine to puke in a bag on my lap. Alcohol always thinks I should have just one more. Alcohol has seen me sleep on floors. Alcohol makes me flirt when I look like the trash heap.

Weed was something I’ve dabbled in throughout my adulthood. Usually I would pass it up. It was never a big deal to me. I got a card because I figured it would help me sleep and it has been helpful. I also have a little in the evening to help me relax. Weed helps me concentrate on whatever I’m working on. It does, however, make me want to eat all of the things. I’m going to keep my eye on it though to see if it becomes a replacement.

One other thing is that I have been smoking less. I haven’t been sitting outside all night and chain smoking. I go out about 2 times and have one or two cigarettes. I mean. That’s an improvement, right?

Anyway…

Day 16, 2020

I’ve been really nice to myself since quitting drinking. For instance, I’ve gone through several bags (bagS) of potato chips in two weeks. The big bags. And several containers of sour cream. And my favorite cookies. Two boxes. And some donuts at work. And a little ice cream. And I made popcorn a few times. I even went to Burger King the other day for the first time in a long time to try the impossible burger. It was good.

As it turns out, I chose to start at a very hunger-inducing half of the month. Talk about picking the wrong week to stop drinking. From what I understand, sugar cravings get a little crazy from the lack of alcohol. In any case, a recipe for overindulgence.

Today, I’m wearing a favorite lounge outfit and it’s cutting off circulation in my fat middle. I’ve logged back in to Weight Watchers, who I’ve been donating to for several months, and so far have had a salad with chicken and several cups of tea. Tonight, I will have a chicken burger with some vegetables for dinner. I’ll probably have a snack too – as long as it stays within my “points”. I’m actually terrified to weigh myself. And I really want another box of cookies.

Part of quitting drinking was to get a handle on my weight. Drinking like 600+ calories a night has not helped my physique or skin. Filling those 600 missing calories out with junk food is not going to make things better.

So fingers crossed that I can get this nonsense under control.

Day 15, 2020

One thing I have to do is figure out how to stop this thing from dinging at 1am. Maybe I’ll reset it to like 8am or something.

Oh hi, I didn’t see you there. I’ve made it two weeks. I feel good. This is starting to feel normal. I’ve been laying super low and staying close to home though I did go out this past weekend.

On Saturday night, my bff and I went bowling with the husbands and kids. She is doing “dry January” and so I had a buddy. It was fun. On Sunday was a get-together at a friend’s house. Everyone was drinking but me – and one of my friends who agreed to be a buddy. It was nice to have an ally. I had a good time but only stayed a couple of hours. I began to feel squirrely.

I do not have another social outing scheduled for another couple of weeks – hahaha. That was enough for me. It’s funny because normally, I need to be out all the time. But I”m wondering if I needed to be out or if I needed to be drinking. Or if I needed to feel included and accepted and anxiety set in because I’m really not a fan of loud places so I drank more in order to maintain. I think that’s probably the most accurate.

I think of things I truly miss and it’s nights outside with wine and smoking and just talking. Would it be the same with tea or seltzer water? Isn’t the nice, luxurious thing the conversation?

Things to mull over.