Bless and release

I’m not crazy about the word “bless”. It and “journey” connote a fakey “Live Laugh Love” brand of quick spirituality… in my brain at least. That being said, the process of acknowledging behaviors that don’t serve us well is a valuable one. My life experience has been more of the “ignore it” or “get over it” variety. Bless and release encourages you to recognize problematic things in your life and empowers you to let them go.

I’ve been reading Eastern Body, Western Mind which is now officially my favorite book. The third chakra, solar plexus, is all about will. The root chakra is about being/ existing, the second is about feeling, and the third is about taking that stuff, being your own person, and going into the world. This is where I’ve been stunted all along.

I’ve often lamented my past seeming inability to take risks. Staying in situations long past their “best by” date because the devil I know is at least predictable. The third chakra is all about intention-driven action. Mindfulness. Responsibility. Not just blowing wherever the wind sends me.

I have Imposter Syndrome which is not a real syndrome but a cycle of thoughts and perceived reinforcement. I rarely think I’m qualified enough to be sitting at the table. This has plagued my work life. I am smart. I’m a good worker. I am easy to work with. But I doubt myself and tend to be deferential to those I perceive to be in a higher position than me.

I’m not so bad in the music realm. Most of the folks I work with swim in the same pool. We are good at what we do, expect our cohort to be up to speed, and we deliver. Singing professionally is one of the areas in my life that I do not feel like an imposter. I will sing your face off. Just don’t ask me to read sheet music because then I will crumble. I make light of it. I’ve come this far so it is what it is. But I somewhat secretly ashamed because I am supposed to be good at everything.

I take degrees very seriously. College degrees, not temperatures. I am constantly seeking graduate and doctoral programs that cost insane amounts of money and when I really soul search it, I’m just looking for a permission slip. I think I’ve talked about this before. I’m looking for a permission slip to sit at the table. Permission from WHO? I couldn’t tell you.

I also collapse at the idea that my parents aren’t constantly beaming with pride over me. Deep reflection has revealed that this is a big messy one. I need to consistently reach goals to check in with them and make sure I am still good enough. My inner critic has the tendency to be very judgmental and overbearing when it comes to what I should be doing, where I should live, how I should raise my son.

In my extended family, I don’t even know how to act. I’m 42 and I still feel like a child. I think it is because I feel that I cannot appear to have any cracks despite being full of them for that very reason.

I want to be clear that I am not blaming my parent(s) or family for any of this. I am a grown ass middle aged woman who is responsible for my own life and happiness. My parents are human and I am human and to throw a tantrum over things I may have done differently would not benefit anyone. That being said, establishing boundaries with them is extremely difficult. I find myself wanting to keep everyone happy and still feel unable to truly be myself around them. I hide my feelings because I do not have the strength to hear how I am wrong about them.

There is some regret in my life – not traveling and exploring more when I was young; staying in long relationships that were not serving anyone well; not really TRYING at music; going with the flow on so many music projects with bossy, obstinate people. I regret settling for the office job that I never fit into. I never fit in because I was never supposed to be there. I was too scared to take a risk and follow my creativity at 25, 30, 35 and here I am.

Here I am.

I can engage in a cycle of wasting more time mourning lost time and losing the time spent mourning. But I’m not going to. With each step forward I will focus on acting from within myself. I exist. I feel. And that’s all that is needed to know what is best.

I bless and release anything that stands in my way.

More dog grief and reimmersion from vacation

I’m tired. No reason. I had one “spiked seltzer” last night and went to bed at a reasonable time. I slept well, got up at 8 to help W get ready for camp. And then… then… I fell back asleep. Why? I don’t really know. I could’ve made a cup of tea.

I had a dream about the two dogs last night. It was the same as my past Mdog dreams. He visits but is constantly running away. I usually get a few snuggles though so it’s worth it. In this dream, Mdog was barking at the door and we could hear Pup barking. I was looking all over until I realized the barking was coming from inside my husband’s car. I got into the car and found Pup passing out in the hot car. But I saved him. I saved him. I screamed at my husband. I brought Pup inside and then he just kept running away. I mean… this all makes sense. We tried a bunch of stuff and we were going to lose him anyway.

This sounds like a sad dream but I was smiling when I woke up from seeing them. Seeing them playing together like old times. Also, yesterday I began browsing Petfinder and local rescues. So that was likely a catalyst for the dream. I think they were saying, “We’re together. It’s ok.”

That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Don’t come at me with “random neurons firing”. I’ll punch you.

I had a bagel for lunch today and yesterday. Bagels are my gateway food into the spiral of bad eating habits. They seem innocuous to most, but I have to have the with a bag of chips. Then I want to take a nap an hour later. Then I want cookies. Shame spiral. Repeat.

I was intent on going back on my 21DSD plan because it is sustainable for me. I have o stock up on more salad stuff. This is getting boring. Bye.

Pup

Its been a while, huh. I made it through my 21 day sugar detox. I ate some M&Ms this week after I finished. What goes up…

The main reason I’m writing though is because we lost Pup today.

Up until yesterday, he had been doing well. He’d still bark at anything with a face crossing in front of our property. He’d still launch himself at the door whenever the doorbell rang. He was still eating, drinking, pooping, and chasing the cat but maybe with a little less of a spring in his step.

The veterinary oncologist (a profession I was unaware of until a few months ago) told me that this is likely how it would happen. He’d be pretty good until he wasn’t – and that would be a pretty quick and steep drop. As trite as it sounds, I’m just relieved that he didn’t suffer. His decline happened literally overnight.

We’d noticed he was favoring one of his hind legs over the past couple of days but at 15, he’s been a little stiff for a while. Last night at 2am, he was restless. He was whining and it seemed like he couldn’t get comfortable. This morning, he was dragging his hind legs. He’d get them up for a moment, but was wobbly and uncoordinated. He couldn’t make it more than a few feet without laying down. I called the vet who agreed that it was probably time.

On the way to the vet, I tried to soak in every detail of him. The tiny, delicate wisps on his snout, the occasional white hair peppered on his head, his bendy paws, the thick scruff around his neck, his cloudy, soul swallowing eyes, his tumor area – roiling with heat and density. I went through every tissue and napkin in my husband’s glove box.

I like our vet’s office. We were greeted with solemnity and felt supported by the staff. We had brought his pillow for him to lay on. When it was time for the first injection, I crouched down right by his little face. He can’t see well, so I wanted to make sure he could smell me, hear me, feel my presence. I stroked his head. I thanked him and told him I love him. I repeated this through the second injection and could clearly see when he left. I cannot explain it. I nodded and then the doctor checked and nodded. It was a powerful moment that I will never forget. As painful as it was, I felt honored to give comfort and bear witness. He was so important to me. He will always be a part of my story. I’ll go into it sometime, but he saved me as much as I saved him.

In the mean time, I am exhausted at a soul level. I barely have energy to type this. But I wanted to document this.