Tag Archives: musician

Day 190, 2020

I am feeling disjointed today. All over the place. I’m in my office now which is nice. It’s very, very quiet. I am very happy.

I am someone whose brain never stops. I mean… we all are. Mine generates ideas a mile a minute. Some are good. Many are very lofty and impractical. The lofty and impractical ones are the most exciting and feel the most genuine. The ones like passing an SEC exam for my job for no real reason except redeeming my failure last year, are less appealing.

Passing the exam doesn’t have much to do with my job. It’s something everyone else at my firm holds but their roles require it. Mine does not. I decided to take it last year as a step toward becoming a compliance officer and making my resume more marketable. My boss intends on retiring in the next 2-3 years and holding this Series _X_ would make me more valuable to whoever buys us out.

The thing is… I’ve more or less decided that I’m going to use this time to gear up for a career change. A career change that will likely result in an enormous pay cut. And no benefits. And now I’m panicking again.

Ok.

(I’ve been attempting to write this post for about 3 hours. I can’t even focus on completing it.)

ANYWAY… a thing I’ve noticed about myself is that if there is any dichotomy in my life, I shut down. Case in point, the Series _X_ is (from my perspective) in direct opposition of the studies I’ve been doing in yoga, art, and psychology. I guess the disconnect I am having right now is – why would I waste any of my mind grapes on Finance when the Transpersonal self-studies I’ve been doing energize me from the inside? Why not focus on the path that is lit up? You know?

As a side-note, I am also having a VERY difficult time giving ANY energy to music even though it very much falls under my creative umbrella. The project we are trying to release has become an albatross. This is not the fault of anyone working on or with the project, I’m just fucking over it. I like writing and performing and I LOATHE everything about releasing a record. I don’t want to agree on a font everyone likes. The hours spend talking about a website that I’m not sure anyone will ever visit is making my skull ache. It is the actual worst.

So back to the original point, the practical side of my brain keeps telling me that if I look at studying for the Series _X_ during work hours and as part of my daytime job, it should not eat into my creative brain space. The big, loud, colorful side is saying fuck it. Focus on the shit that feels right.

Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions…

I’m really indulging in a lazy day. We had day 1 of our show last night so I went out to support. And drink wine. I got back late. Didn’t sleep again but I was able to get some rest this morning. I’ve got some work to do but it’s stuff I can do this afternoon/ evening. Nothing super critical.

The bar did not have had seltzers so I had wine. I wish I had something else because SURPRISE I feel like shit. Whatever. Moving on.

Photo by Miguel u00c1. Padriu00f1u00e1n on Pexels.com

Part of me is disappointed that I have not really accomplished much today and part of me is hi-fiving myself for some self care. I’ll do a barre video later. I’d like to spend some time making art. Making plans.

There is a pretty good chance that the company I work for will be closing its doors in the next 2-4 years. I need to make a decision on how to proceed. Do I continue in my current field which is steady and pays well or do I use this time to make some plans on how to live a more creative life?

My ideas include a book (I’m currently working on this), owning/ operating a creative space for workshops, and music. I am currently a professional singer. I am lucky in that I only take the gigs that I want because I already have a full time job. I know could pick up more gigs for extra cash but the main hurdle working artists have to figure out is fucking healthcare and I am not going to go into a political tirade right now. (Stick around though, it’s inevitable if you spend any good amount of time with me.)

My truest passion is art though. It’s where I feel the most magical. Music is a close second and it’s easier to make a few steady bucks doing it than visual art. I’m also better at singing than art. I haven’t shared either here because I’m enjoying the relative anonymity.

I’ve got some books about starting a business and I’m really good at bookkeeping. I also have a few friends who I think would be great fits for running workshops. Lots to think about.