I am a failure

I failed. I failed two nights in a row. I fail more than I succeed. I’ve not drank probably a total of maybe 10 days this year. That’s being liberal.

I am in a state today. I am angry and disappointed in myself but that is generally my default. I”m thinking about changing the tone of this blog because I’m just going to keep fucking up. So here is the peregrination of a woman who just slowly destroys herself and drives herself deeper into depression. And she complains about it and on and on it goes. Sounds like a great read.

The past week has sucked. I thought Pup was going to die on Thursday. I was so sure of it that I basically snuggled him and sobbed my goodbyes. Then I had a gig. And remember I wasn’t supposed to drink? Well. Surprise! That didn’t work out.

I am emotionally exhausted. And my job is crazy. I’m studying for a licensing exam and we are going through a merger that I will be a critical part of so my stress level and workload have been compounded with that. And I had a rehearsal and two gigs this week. As well as my art class. I’m burned out. I’m sad.

I’m taking a mental health and self care day tomorrow to mentally prepare for the coming weeks with work. I’ve informed some of my best friends who have really come through with support. I have a good network.

But I still cannot commit to not drinking. I can’t do it.

Two steps forward… Three steps back

Wow. I lasted what – 2 days? 2. I can’t say I am surprised. I CAN say though that last night, I didn’t even want a glass of wine and had one anyway. What is that?

It’s funny because I went through all of the old tropes with myself too. “Well, maybe I’ll just not drink alone at home anymore.” Or “you deserve it because this is a stressful time.” Or “three drinks maximum if I’m out!” I know these. You know these. They’re meaningless. My dream would absolutely be to just drink when I have a fun social gathering. To get a little warm and fuzzy. To leave before I’m rambling at some poor, patient soul for hours. To do what normal people do. And I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to teach myself that I am not normal people. It’s a lesson I refuse to learn.

I don’t even know what to say. There’s nothing to say really. I’m not going to beat myself up. I’m going to try not to slide up to my shoulders in this. I am frustrated. It’s not fair. (Wahhhhhhh.) But it fucking isn’t.

Anyway – moving forward. I have a very busy week ahead. Rehearsals, a show, my art class, and more vet appointments with the Pup. I’ve also enrolled in an online class taught by one of my favorite authors/ artists. I’m trying really hard to keep focused on the things that I’m doing. And not to pour alcohol all over them.