Tag Archives: so tired

Day 19, 2020

First of all, I’m proud of myself. 19 fucking days.

Last night I woke up at 3am with a horrid stomach ache and spent an hour with my head in the toilet. It reminded me of the MANY times I had experienced this over the years because of drinking. I kept flashing back to that feeling. The grindy brain, exhausted body, confused, Jeckyll wondering what Hyde had done and why. Hoping for some relief in vomiting.

Last night’s escapade was of course not driven by alcohol however I suspect it may have been a result of the chips, sour cream and cookies I decided to indulge in around midnight. Soooooo, as stated before, I still have some shit to work through. Why am I eating so much? To fill a void. But why? What is that void? I have several suspicions based on what my life is missing. I do not feel like getting into them now.

Today I logged my only meal. An egg with cheese on toast. And tea. I’m such a fucking Britophile. Does that count if you were raised mainly in that culture? Who knows or cares.

I’m going to do a barre exercise in a bit. It’s literally the least I can do. More later maybe.

More dog grief and reimmersion from vacation

I’m tired. No reason. I had one “spiked seltzer” last night and went to bed at a reasonable time. I slept well, got up at 8 to help W get ready for camp. And then… then… I fell back asleep. Why? I don’t really know. I could’ve made a cup of tea.

I had a dream about the two dogs last night. It was the same as my past Mdog dreams. He visits but is constantly running away. I usually get a few snuggles though so it’s worth it. In this dream, Mdog was barking at the door and we could hear Pup barking. I was looking all over until I realized the barking was coming from inside my husband’s car. I got into the car and found Pup passing out in the hot car. But I saved him. I saved him. I screamed at my husband. I brought Pup inside and then he just kept running away. I mean… this all makes sense. We tried a bunch of stuff and we were going to lose him anyway.

This sounds like a sad dream but I was smiling when I woke up from seeing them. Seeing them playing together like old times. Also, yesterday I began browsing Petfinder and local rescues. So that was likely a catalyst for the dream. I think they were saying, “We’re together. It’s ok.”

That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Don’t come at me with “random neurons firing”. I’ll punch you.

I had a bagel for lunch today and yesterday. Bagels are my gateway food into the spiral of bad eating habits. They seem innocuous to most, but I have to have the with a bag of chips. Then I want to take a nap an hour later. Then I want cookies. Shame spiral. Repeat.

I was intent on going back on my 21DSD plan because it is sustainable for me. I have o stock up on more salad stuff. This is getting boring. Bye.