It’s apparently another year.

This weed that I have – it’s like it erases your super short term memory. Like, I can’t remember what happened a minute ago and I’m always in that state of confusion. It suspends time and forces me to not get bogged down in rumination about the past or about my feelings of this separation.

And that’s why we drink or smoke. To get out of our heads and the dark heaviness that sludges around in there all day. And at night I’m always going. Cleaning up the house. Working with clay or yarn or paint. Constantly moving, creating ,doing. I don’t like idleness because it presents a risk of sitting with my feelings. Am I still processing them while I’m working? This “work” is play. Creating is home for me.  Am I working through the feelings though? Am I covering them up? Or is creating like lye – simply dissolving the pain into another form?

What are my feelings right now?

Deep breaths.

Sad. Anxious. Relieved. Solid. Tired. Grief. Disappointment. Love and hope and connection.

Guilt of being a bad partner or a bad mother when I was drinking.

Guilt for drinking. So much and so long.

About him I feel… loss, disappointment, pity, rejection, guilt. I will miss the little moments like going to the diner together or having those night time conversations about politics, music, which celebrities are hot. And then I think of the loneliness, disconnect, lack of support, feeling stifled and overruled. But we hugged a lot. I miss that. I loved him but he wasn’t giving me enough of what I needed. A collapsed lung.

My sexuality feels dead. I feel old and fading. I’ve always been apologetic about my body – about my entire presence. SO anxious to be in my own skin. Panic of being looked at. Flaws found. Spotlighted.

I worry that no one will find me beautiful again. Or that the youngest I’ll ever appear in their eyes is this. I worry that I’ll be alone. I can’t imagine sharing space with anyone. I can’t imagine sex. I can’t imagine another body being anywhere near my body. And I know it’s too early to even consider any of that but I really would love to have something to look forward to. That delicious feeling of having a crush – I can’t even picture having it ever again. And that makes me so sad.

This was helpful I think.

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