Author Archives: HalfLifeHuman

Why do I always want to knock myself out?

If I’m trying not to drink, I need to take medication to “knock myself out”. Basically, the idea of sitting alone with my own thoughts for too long is terrifying to me. Or undesirable at the very least. Why? Why do I need to self medicate so much to get out of my own mind?

Taking all current life complaints aside, what is it that has been driving me to drink for so long? Socially, it’s to give me a personality. I have major anxiety. Also, sometimes I simply don’t want to be there. So I force myself to go and drink to make it bearable. At the bottom of that is FOMO. And at the bottom of FOMO is insecurity.

But why do I drink so much at home? It used to be what we did. I lived with roommates and was young and we drank together. And stayed up talking and howling at the moon. The drinking alone started when my husband and I got together. It could be because I was simply used to doing that at night and because I was older, friends weren’t around as much as they used to be so I just kept on doing what I knew. That is very plausible for how it started. But then I think it was my way of dissociating from every problem that crossed my bones. I’m not blaming him, that’s just the timeline. It has to do with kicking and screaming against time and with being lonely.

I’ve been taking melatonin or some other OTC sleeping thing to shut down my brain but to be honest, they aren’t working. I have my meditation app that helps by playing me weird new age music or waves crashing. I sleep poorly – with intense dreams that leave me confused in the morning.

I’m OFTEN at an airport in my dreams. Last night, I was at a layover when someone took my bag and then we would up on a different flight that was routing us through Haiti. (Yes, my dreams are oddly detailed.) It wasn’t a flight though, it was like a roller coaster. And the women were being lined up to gauge whether what we were wearing was appropriate. I remember at one point swallowing and accepting the idea that we were going to die. Cheery stuff.

I guess my point with that is that my brain seems to ALWAYS be running. Living with it and sitting with it gets really exhausting. So I try to turn it off.

Sometimes I wonder if I just let it go would I create incredible things? Or would it just cripple me…

Shouting Into The Void

As explained below, I put in an application and was approved and completely smitten with a beautiful little chihuahua. I cannot stop thinking about her. Looked at her picture every day.

Talked again with my husband yesterday and he refused. And of course, with him, he can’t just refuse, he has to continue to throw insults my way.

I’m terrible at taking care of things. I’m irresponsible. I’m trying to ‘replace my son’. I don’t pay attention. I don’t pick up after them, feed, them, groom them or see after their medical care. He “KNOWS MORE THAN ME.”

None of this is remotely true. Did I let them poop in the yard sometimes when it was super cold or rainy? Sure, I’ll own that. That’s it.

I actually started laughing at the last one because he was dead serious. This is the shit. That’s what I say when I start having thoughts of getting the FO. This is the shit. This is the shit that makes me lose all respect for you. This is the shit that makes me realize you are irrational and mean. This is the shit that I will not stand for.

I’m the kind of sad that hurts. I’m sick. I am having so much trouble interacting here at work and smiling. I’ve got years of experiencing though so I’ll make it work. I’m sad about the dog. I’m not sad about that fool or anything he said. I’m sad that I’m back in this place. I’m sad that this man feels he can reign superior over me even after all of these years. I explained to him that this cannot be a case of “let” and he said it is. He added “if you bring that dog home, it will disappear.” So I get threats too. Healthy, right?

He keeps saying we can get a dog when we move. Now, this sounds perfectly reasonable and acceptable, I know. I would agree if we haven’t been looking at houses for 5 FUCKING YEARS and as soon as I find one I like, he finds something wrong with it or drags his feet on seeing it. I began to suspect that looking at houses was simply something he enjoyed doing and he more or less agreed. This is what he does. He walks up to the decision line and stalls. I feel like I’ve sacrificed so much to “compromise” with him.

Moving. Being able to be a full time musician. Having another kid. This is big fucking stuff. Not to mention being the butt of jokes and teasing regularly, rarely hearing a compliment, and never having a date anywhere because that stuff is just not in his personality. And I should just accept it and stop bringing it up.

I’ve been drowning my sorrows in art supplies and storing older ones that I don’t use as much in the basement for when I open my business. It will be good to have supplies on hand for folks who do not have their own. Art supplies are a fully acceptable addiction in my mind. I’ve been retreating to the art table a lot lately. This time of year always draws me to it.

I’m going to go back to my therapist I think. I’m going to get my fucking life together. I envision my own home whether we stay together or now. I know it sounds insane but I feel like our marriage might work better if we lived in different homes.

There’s a good chance I’ll delete this. I just need to work through some feelings for a minute.

I was approved for adoption of this beautiful little dog who sounds like a perfect fit for my family. My husband turned around and outright refuses to get on board. He essentially said that I’m “not allowed”. He is bossy and controlling and I’m generally able to just roll my eyes and do what I need to do. But then he makes threats. He said he would return the dog to make sure I wasn’t able to adopt from them again.

He also said I’m getting a dog to “replace (my) son again.” And that I barely pay attention to our son. All of this is completely insane and just really mean and hurtful shit. I can’t even look at him.

When he gets like this I immediately go straight to thinking about divorce. It’s happened before when he has gotten outlandish like this. I moved out for 3 months several years ago. I had an attorney on standby 2 years ago. And now this. Yes, I do see the pattern. I’m fully aware that this relationship has really bipolar cycles.

In addition to this, I pay our mortgage, phones, utilities, and insurances. He does grocery shopping and while it’s a lot, it doesn’t come close. I work a full time and a part time job (music). He works when he gets work. Generally part time. Sometimes, no time. I’ve seen him try a few careers and quit them. I’ve been steadily employed promoted throughout our relationship.

Now… he does stay home with our son a lot. He picks him up from camp or school, brings him to his after school stuff. And that is a big thing. Despite being home most of the time, he rarely cleans the house and then kind of sideeyes me about it. Like it’s my responsibility.

I work on nights sometimes and I typically have one night out with friends a week. He does not enjoy socializing. I’ve tried to encourage him to socialize and he does not do it. He does however throw back in my face that I’m out too much. Drinking too much. The drinking part is not off base. I need to reel that in. But I’m still going to socialize.

He knows what hurts me. Criticizing me as a mother mainly. Criticizing my really base values. Making sure I know not to get too confident or proud. Meanwhile, I literally subsidize his life and he is trying to exert control over me. I get it. It is a way for him to feel more powerful maybe. But I am caught smack in the middle of enraged and deeply wounded.

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions…

I’m really indulging in a lazy day. We had day 1 of our show last night so I went out to support. And drink wine. I got back late. Didn’t sleep again but I was able to get some rest this morning. I’ve got some work to do but it’s stuff I can do this afternoon/ evening. Nothing super critical.

The bar did not have had seltzers so I had wine. I wish I had something else because SURPRISE I feel like shit. Whatever. Moving on.

Photo by Miguel u00c1. Padriu00f1u00e1n on Pexels.com

Part of me is disappointed that I have not really accomplished much today and part of me is hi-fiving myself for some self care. I’ll do a barre video later. I’d like to spend some time making art. Making plans.

There is a pretty good chance that the company I work for will be closing its doors in the next 2-4 years. I need to make a decision on how to proceed. Do I continue in my current field which is steady and pays well or do I use this time to make some plans on how to live a more creative life?

My ideas include a book (I’m currently working on this), owning/ operating a creative space for workshops, and music. I am currently a professional singer. I am lucky in that I only take the gigs that I want because I already have a full time job. I know could pick up more gigs for extra cash but the main hurdle working artists have to figure out is fucking healthcare and I am not going to go into a political tirade right now. (Stick around though, it’s inevitable if you spend any good amount of time with me.)

My truest passion is art though. It’s where I feel the most magical. Music is a close second and it’s easier to make a few steady bucks doing it than visual art. I’m also better at singing than art. I haven’t shared either here because I’m enjoying the relative anonymity.

I’ve got some books about starting a business and I’m really good at bookkeeping. I also have a few friends who I think would be great fits for running workshops. Lots to think about.

Day 7

I’m really doing this. I’ve successfully stuck to my keto plan for 7 days now. I feel good. I feel full – almost TOO full because I’m not used to eating such rich foods. My friends said my skin looks good. I’m dealing with some fatigue and a headache today but it’s not terrible. The INSOMNIA though is making me a little nuts. I cannot fall asleep. I’ve read this is part of the process. Apparently your body gets low on serotonin and melatonin at first. I’ll be taking my trusty pill tonight in the hopes of having a full night’s sleep.

I was back at the gym today. I did a mile way faster than I did last week. I did some leg machines and some squats. Yesterday I had a crazy work day and then rehearsal so I only fit in a few free weight exercises for my arms. Better than nothing though.

I’m happy that I’m still feeling motivated. I’ll have to grab more salad fixings for the week on the way to work tomorrow. Since it’s a bit of a crazy week, I’ll have to figure out quick dinners. Yesterday I did a hard boiled egg and a shake with collagen peptides. I wound up having a late night snack of some salami and almonds.

I need to focus on fitting more veggies in. I’m definitely note eating enough. My salad is mainly lettuce and onions. I’m not a big raw veggie fan. Roasted cauliflower sand broccoli are a favorite but time is a factor this week. I have a show on Friday and we’re all putting in extra work to accommodate some last minute changes. It’s fine but I need a plan for eating on the go.

Day 3.

I made it to the gym after work yesterday and today I did a 30 minute barre exercise from home. My legs are burning. It feels good! 3 days in a row. That’s something. I’m wary of pink clouding around this situation, but I really, really want to succeed. I don’t know if it’s a midlife crisis or what, but my vanity is in a panic.

I also decided to give the keto diet a try. I know, I know. It’s seeming like the current fad diet and I’ve tried them ALL. But I’m desperate. I need to figure my shit out. My favorite nutrition author, Diane Sanfilippo, just came out with a book called Keto Quick Start. I like the way she breaks things down so I’m gonna go with her for a bit. I’m on Day 3 and I Have no complaints so far. I feel totally satiated and I have no symptoms of the dreaded “keto flu” yet. I’m wondering if this is because I did the 21 Day Sugar Detox last month.

Show up.

Guys, I went to the gym yesterday. And I packed some clean gym clothes for this evening as well. I just did the treadmill and some beginner arm exercises but I’m proud of myself. Today, I plan to do the treadmill and some leg stuff. Nothing crazy. I need to build up some confidence first. As someone who hasn’t seen the inside of a gym in 6 months (and like a year prior to that brief stint), I’m taking it slow.

I think I get inspired and want to do all of the things and then I wind up totally derailing myself. I’m trying it differently this time. A big lesson I’ve learned in my life is that showing up is a BIG part of making progress.

As someone with anxiety and a trailer-full of other baggage, I can easily talk myself out of doing things. I’m too tired. I’m too out of shape anyway. I know I’m gonna quit by next week. Why bother. I never follow through. I’m gonna have a bagel instead. Fucking bagels.

As much as I whine and complain and try to excuse myself from going, I always feel 1,000,000% percent better (real math!) than I did before I walked in there. So, this week, I’m committing to simply showing up. Do a thing. Go home. It’s better than doing nothing at all.

Back on track

While we were away, I used the opportunity to binge on chips, have some ice cream, and drink all of the sweet frozen cocktails. I mean it. All of them. There are none left. I said I’d be back at healthy eating on Monday. Well, it’s Wednesday and it’s as good a day as any to re-start.

We had like no food in the house when we returned so I used that as an excuse to purchase some bagels and I already talked about the bagels. Today, I popped over to Aldi’s and grabbed some salad fixins.

Also – GET THIS…. I packed my gym bag. WHAT? Yes, my gym bag. WHAT? I’m planning on going to the gym after work. WHAT? Yeah, and I’m just gonna do a little treadmill and maybe a little rowing. Nothing too crazy. But I need to do something better than nothing.

Baby steps.

OH – also I finished Stay Sexy, Don’t Get Murdered last night. I had pre-ordered it so I got it on the day it came out but I’ve been trying so hard to savor it and keep it going. It was so good. I am a big old fangirl. I’ve NEVER fangirled over ANYTHING. Seriously. NEVER. Until MFM. I’ll talk more about it some time. That might be fun.

More dog grief and reimmersion from vacation

I’m tired. No reason. I had one “spiked seltzer” last night and went to bed at a reasonable time. I slept well, got up at 8 to help W get ready for camp. And then… then… I fell back asleep. Why? I don’t really know. I could’ve made a cup of tea.

I had a dream about the two dogs last night. It was the same as my past Mdog dreams. He visits but is constantly running away. I usually get a few snuggles though so it’s worth it. In this dream, Mdog was barking at the door and we could hear Pup barking. I was looking all over until I realized the barking was coming from inside my husband’s car. I got into the car and found Pup passing out in the hot car. But I saved him. I saved him. I screamed at my husband. I brought Pup inside and then he just kept running away. I mean… this all makes sense. We tried a bunch of stuff and we were going to lose him anyway.

This sounds like a sad dream but I was smiling when I woke up from seeing them. Seeing them playing together like old times. Also, yesterday I began browsing Petfinder and local rescues. So that was likely a catalyst for the dream. I think they were saying, “We’re together. It’s ok.”

That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Don’t come at me with “random neurons firing”. I’ll punch you.

I had a bagel for lunch today and yesterday. Bagels are my gateway food into the spiral of bad eating habits. They seem innocuous to most, but I have to have the with a bag of chips. Then I want to take a nap an hour later. Then I want cookies. Shame spiral. Repeat.

I was intent on going back on my 21DSD plan because it is sustainable for me. I have o stock up on more salad stuff. This is getting boring. Bye.

We had a nice weekend away with our friends. It was a relief to kick back and just lean into the party for a few days. They have a lovely pool overlooking a pond. It was a good way to spend a 100 degree weekend.

Back for less than 24 hours I am feelin antsy.

  • I want to think of something to look forward to tonight that doesn’t involve chain smoking in a lawn chair until 1am… as if one could possibly imagine anything more glamourous.
  • I want to focus at work instead of getting distracted or nodding off.
  • I want to become more in tune with my spiritual practice.
  • I want to reconnect with my body by exercising.
  • I want to reconnect with myself.

I don’t know if I even have much more to say. I’ve got heavy eyelids for some reason.